Additional Stories

SECTION 1 - Emotions (p. 19) 

Ana O’Sullivan – “It helps to notice our feelings with curiosity rather than judgement…”

Parenting floods us with emotions, and we can easily become overwhelmed by feeling many of them at once.  It helps us to notice our feelings with curiosity rather than judgement: (“Hmm - that’s interesting, I’m feeling defensive. I wonder why I feel like I need to protect myself?”) Being tired or stressed leads us toward unhealthy ways of thinking: (“I’m not a good mother because good mothers don’t…”)  Pausing and taking a deep breath and/or drinking a glass of water, helps us to respond calmly and with intention, rather than with the emotions of the moment.   ~Ana O’Sullivan; Age 55; 3 Children; Past University Professor/Student Mental Health Advocate/Founder of ConnectBeWell and MindfulSLO 

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“When setting limits, the emotional state of the parent almost always dictates the child’s reaction.  If we lack clarity and confidence, lose our temper or are unsure, tense, frazzled, or frustrated, this will unsettle our kids and very likely lead to more undesirable behavior.  We are gods in our children’s eyes, and our feelings always set the tone.” 

No Bad Kids, by Janet Lansbury (p. 6)

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 “Parents’ effective responses for young children help provide the scaffolding for the all-important skill of emotion regulation.  A parent’s calm in the face of a toddler tantrum – whatever its cause – is crucial.  Otherwise, things escalate fast.  

When parents show they will be anchors even in the storms of emotion that can engulf a child, they convey a message of safety and security:  I’ll protect you from yourself when you cannot.”  When the World Feels Like a Scary Place, by Abigail Gewirtz (p. 45)    

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Lisa Guy - “Each new stage brings its own set of challenges...”

Over the years, I have learned that many factors contribute to the state of my mental and physical well-being, and my own mental and physical state greatly affects that of my children.  Knowing that helped me to find ways to acknowledge and identify my emotions, decrease my stress and worry, and take care of my body, mind and soul. It has helped me to maintain a beneficial frame of mind.  Additionally, maintaining gratitude and continuing to remind myself to be present and meet each new challenge with a positive and hopeful outlook has helped me to find and keep balance in my life.  It has been a process, and the difficulties ebb and flow in accordance with what my family and I are experiencing. Each new stage brings its own set of challenges, and a willingness to accept (and even embrace) change has proven tremendously helpful. 

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“Language is our portal to meaning-making, connection, healing, learning and self-awareness.  Having access to the right words can open up entire universes.” ~ Brene’ Brown (p. xxi)

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“It is all too easy to get stuck in a cycle of comparison and stress…”

If there is anything I have learned from my background as an educator, my incredible childhood, and my time as a mom, it is the importance of grace and balance and sustainability. I have had to find what works for my family’s schedule and lifestyle and budget, without unnecessarily comparing myself to others. I am able to celebrate what others are doing with their children even if it looks different than what I am doing with mine. Otherwise, it is all too easy to get stuck in a cycle of comparison, stress and guilt that steals away all of the precious joy of being a parent. 

~Destinee Glasser, Age 28; 1 Child; Preschool/Kindergarten Teacher for the Deaf and Hard of Hearing

SECTION 2 – Mental Self-Care (p. 21)

Ana O’Sullivan – “Practice regular self-care:  caring for oneself is not selfish but essential.”

When I was pregnant with my first, all I wanted was to be a good mother. I read all the recommended books on what to expect, gave up caffeine and wine, took daily walks, napped when I could, stayed hydrated and tried to eat well—these were all things that I could physically control. As a young mom, I did my best to stay present and anticipate each of my babies’ needs, to be prepared yet flexible, and to stay calm. Doing so made me feel like a good mom and gave me a sense of control in the midst of so much uncertainty. Even so, there were still so many things I could not control that infused stress into every day.             

Becoming a parent changes our lives dramatically overnight and, in more ways than we imagined or could prepare for. Whether we adopt or give birth, each stage has its own share of uncertainties and challenges. We enter parenthood without experience, which understandably raises our anxiety and stress levels. Whether it’s our first or third, we’re doing it ALL for the first time. We will naturally make mistakes and learn that parenting is a unique learn-on-the-job-with-and-from-each-child kind of experience. 

Ordered to bed rest near the end of my third pregnancy, I began to see that our children are our greatest teachers, and we need to be present and ready to learn from them. This perspective shift has helped me appreciate that all parenting stages are accompanied by unique milestones, opportunities to grow, and plenty of joys. These can be easier to see in hindsight! 

When I prepared to go back to work, after my third, I felt paralyzing anxiety and overwhelming doubt. With 3 kids under 4 years, I sought professional help where I learned practices to better manage my stress. I learned how to utilize things that we can all control—our breath, our thoughts and perspective, and how we care for our mental, social, emotional, and physical needs. These are essential practices that support us through life’s natural ebbs and flows. Through experience and unimaginable loss, I’ve learned that we can’t be the people or parents we want to be without caring for our emotional and mental well-being. 

Knowing what I understand now, I’d gently guide my younger mama-self and other young parents to: 

* Practice deep mindful breathing: We often don’t even realize that we’re holding our breath or breathing shallowly—both can make us feel stressed or anxious. Making our exhales longer than our inhales helps us calm down, stay present, and think clearly.         
 * Practice minding the quality of our thoughts and maintaining perspective. Parenting floods us with emotions and thoughts that can overwhelm us. Practice gratitude and check in with ourselves: How are we feeling? What are our thoughts? Are they true and how do we know? Check in with reliable family, friends, and doctors that we trust. What are we grateful for? Step back to get perspective—will this matter in 5 hours, 5 days, 5 weeks or 5 years?  

* Practice regular self-care: Caring for oneself is not selfish, but essential. We need to ensure that we’re meeting our own needs first. Find ways to nurture our mind, heart, and body. These practices help us manage the daily stresses and keep a healthy balance so that we can be our best selves and soak in the everyday joys of parenting. This includes asking for help and accepting it when it’s offered.  ~Ana O’Sullivan; Age 55; 3 Children; Past University Professor/Student Mental Health Advocate/Founder of Connect-BeWell & MindfulSLO                       

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Postpartum Depression

Lyndsay K. Day – “I felt all the joy and love everyone had described but by day three I had faded.”

I was quite the happy pregnant lady. I was free of complications and symptoms –quite lucky really. The birth of my daughter went the best it possibly could, and my little Aria was born happy and healthy. I felt all the joy and love everyone had described, but by day three I had faded. I wasn’t positive, I wasn’t grateful, I wasn’t aware. I was dull. And only after the fact can I tell you it was postpartum depression.

During my first trimester, I had read about it, but honestly, glossed it over because I ruled it out. I have a positive personality, didn’t worry much about things, and had never experienced depression before. These things surely made it unlikely. It just wouldn’t be like me. All these thoughts just came from my inexperience, and I suppose that’s why I’m writing this. Because if I had listened more to the experiences of others, I think I would have felt more comfort in my first six weeks of motherhood.

I won’t attempt any scientific explanations here, just give hope to mothers who may experience the same things I did --feeling like you’re someone else, someone who has no energy, laughter, hunger; feeling like you’ll be a gray forever. The marathon of birth, a body that changes overnight, a new baby and no sleep is a perfect storm. The other side is there, but in the moment, you can’t see it, especially if you haven’t done your research.

There are a hundred and one things to know about your baby, but it’s all for naught if you don’t understand yourself. You may be lucky, but maybe not, so it’s worth reading about. Postpartum depression was one of many lessons I have learned in my almost two years of motherhood. With time and the love of my family, I was fortunate to transition back to my typically happy self. Now, Aria is playing kitchen, decorating the walls with cat stickers and wandering about through the garden. We grow and learn together, and I’m so very proud of her. I like to think she’s proud of me too. .~Lyndsay K. Day; Age 32; 1 Child; Past Commercial Lender/ Current Property Manager

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“There were many silver linings, and the ripple effect of Mary Anne’s willingness to accept help was incredible and far reaching.”

My girlfriend Mary Anne was blessed with wonderful twin boys, who unfortunately suffered from severe colic. It didn’t take long for the sleepless nights to take their toll, and soon she and her husband were suffering along with the babies. I recognized that there was a problem, and suggested she consult with her doctor, but she insisted that everything was fine, and she didn’t need any help. Eventually, she did end up talking to her mom and then, thankfully to her doctor, who explained that postpartum depression was a serious condition which often required the use of medication. The doctor also explained that if Mary Anne and her husband had a network of family and friends who could pull together to offer support during this challenging time (and if they were willing to accept the help), it was possible that the medication could be avoided.

This was all we needed to hear!  With Mary Anne’s blessing, her mom started coming out to help during the weekdays and her girlfriends banded together to take Friday and Saturday nights.  The boys’ hardcore colic lasted for about six weeks, and with the help of her family and friends, Mary Anne was able to recover without taking any medication.

There were many silver linings, and the ripple effect of Mary Anne’s willingness to accept help was incredible and far reaching.  I personally had the opportunity to bond with the twins while my wonderful parents delightedly kept my young son overnight and had a chance to bond with him as well.   Other friends and family were thrilled to show their support and happy to feel valued and be a part of the healing process.

Ironically, years later when I had my daughter and was (unknowingly) struggling, Mary Anne recognized the signs of postpartum depression and suggested I see my doctor for help.  I had been so happy and relieved to have my healthy baby girl, that I was unable to recognize the signs of postpartum depression, including the inability to sleep, anxiety about keeping my daughter safe and the crazy hormonal fluctuations I was experiencing.  I went on medication for a couple of months until the hormones settled down and asked my mom to spend the night at our house once a week so my husband and I could have some time together and get a full night’s sleep. We also hired a local teenager to come in once a week to play with the kids while my husband and I caught up on work around the house or took a walk together.  ~Justine Heinsen, Mother of 2, Former Teacher, Community Volunteer

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“The first step is recognizing the symptoms, and the second step is knowing how to treat them.” ~Megan Guy, MD

Postpartum depression occurs in roughly 10% of women who have recently delivered a baby and is defined as major depression within the first 12 months following childbirth. Although the rate is higher in women with a history of major depression (16%), many women with postpartum depression never experienced a depressive episode prior to childbirth.

There are a number of reasons for the onset of postpartum depression, including genetic susceptibility, hormonal changes, and psychosocial issues. Risk factors include stressful life events, marital and partner conflict, poor social or financial support, negative attitude towards pregnancy, fear of childbirth, personality traits such as neuroticism (marked by the tendency to worry or feel anxious, angry, sad, and guilty), sleep disturbances, adverse pregnancy outcomes (such as preterm birth), and difficult infant temperament. It is important to recognize and work to minimize as many of these triggers as possible in order to reduce the risk of developing postpartum depression, which can negatively affect both the mother and the baby. Adverse consequences of postpartum depression include impaired functioning of the mother (such as decreased concentration or inability to accomplish tasks), marital conflict, difficulty with breast feeding, and poor nutrition and health in the baby. Additionally, decreased mother-baby bonding can occur, resulting in abnormal development, psychologic disturbance, and even cognitive impairment in children.

New mothers should be aware that some changes can be expected in the postpartum period, which are not considered postpartum depression. These changes include fatigue, difficulty sleeping, poor appetite, and low libido. The distinction is made based on the severity of symptoms. For example, fatigue which results from sleep deprivation due to caring for a newborn is considered normal, while a lack of energy to the extent that the new mother is unable to force herself out of bed for hours during the day is cause for concern, and help should be sought.

 Postpartum blues consists of milder symptoms for a shorter period of time than postpartum depression, with symptoms typically developing within 3 days of childbirth and resolving within 2 weeks of onset without intervention. In contrast, postpartum depression lasts for at least 2 weeks and consists of more severe symptoms including depressed mood for most of the day, diminished interest or pleasure in most activities, decreased or increased appetite with associated weight loss or weight gain, inability to sleep or sleeping all day long, restlessness or feeling slowed down, loss of energy, feeling a sense of worthlessness or excessive guilt, decreased concentration or decisiveness, or even thinking suicidal thoughts.

Treatment choices depend on the severity of symptoms. For mild to moderate postpartum depression, the initial treatment choice is psychotherapy (either cognitive behavioral therapy or interpersonal psychotherapy) in combination with other lifestyle interventions such as exercising, increased support from family and/or friends, joining social support groups, or participating in couple’s/family therapy if needed. If these conservative efforts are not effective, the next step would be treatment with antidepressants (such as an SSRI, SNRI, bupropion, or mirtazapine). For mothers who are breastfeeding, the risk to the baby is considered low when taking an antidepressant such as an SSRI or SNRI, and the benefits of treating the mother are felt to outweigh the potential risks to the nursing baby. For mothers with more severe symptoms of postpartum depression, it is recommended to combine both antidepressant medications with psychotherapy, if the mother is not too ill, and is willing and able to participate in therapy.

The purpose of this section is not to detract from the beauty and excitement of bringing a new life into this world, but to spread awareness to new mothers that postpartum depression is an experience shared by many women. If you are one of the 10% of new mothers who experience major depression (or one of the many more who experience some degree of depressive symptoms) following the hormonal and life changes which occur during pregnancy and after delivery, you are not alone, and most importantly, you are not a bad mother. There is help available, but the first step is recognizing the symptoms, and the second step is knowing how to treat them. ~Megan Guy, M.D.; Age 30; Emergency Medicine Physician 

Citations:

Viguera, A. (2021). Postpartum unipolar major depression: Epidemiology, clinical features, assessment, and diagnosis. In: UpToDate. Roy-Byrne, P. P., Lockwood, C. J., &Solomon, D. (Eds.), UpToDate. Available from https://www.uptodate.com/contents/postpartum-unipolar-major-depression-epidemiology-clinical-features-assessment-and-diagnosis?search=postpartum%20depression&source=search_result&selectedTitle=1~127&usage_type=default&display_rank=1

Viguera, A. (2021). Mild to moderate postpartum unipolar major depression: Treatment. In: UpToDate. Roy-Byrne, P. P., Lockwood, C. J., &Solomon, D. (Eds.), UpToDate. Available from https://www.uptodate.com/contents/mild-to-moderate-postpartum-unipolar-major-depression-treatment?search=post-partum%20depression&topicRef=1704&source=see_link#H3511002067

Viguera, A. (2021). Severe postpartum unipolar major depression: Choosing treatment. In: UpToDate. Roy-Byrne, P. P., Lockwood, C. J., &Solomon, D. (Eds.), UpToDate. Available from https://www.uptodate.com/contents/severe-postpartum-unipolar-major-depression-choosing-treatment?search=post-partum%20depression&topicRef=108703&source=see_link

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Meditation/Calming Practice ~

When parents begin to feel overwhelmed or emotions are running high, a few simple steps can make all the difference.  Try this relaxation/meditation practice:

o  Sit comfortably in a quiet place and close your eyes

o  Relax all your muscles, beginning with your toes and working your way up to your head

o  Take a long breath in through your nose.  Allow your shoulders to loosen and fall as the oxygen travels down into your lungs.

o  Exhale gently through your mouth, allowing excess energy and stress to simply leave your body with your breath (as you breathe out, you may repeat a single word such as the word one

o  As you continue inhaling and exhaling for ten minutes or so, listen for the beat of your heart.  If you can’t hear it, simply feel or imagine it, and experience gratitude for that heartbeat.

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As shared by Wendy Shaw-Dahl, MPT, new mothers can apply this mindful practice (taken from the French perineal education program) while strengthening their pelvic floor, once bleeding has stopped:

Lie on your back with knees bent for lower back support.  Inhale, first feeling the chest expand and then the abdomen.  You may not feel it, but the pelvic floor expands as well.  While exhaling, draw the pelvic floor muscles up towards the abdominal cavity, drawing the navel in and up towards the heart, and “knitting” the ribs together.  You may use your hands to gently assist the ribcage in coming together.  Let go and repeat the expansion on the inhale, “zipping up from the pelvic floor/abs/ribs on the exhale.  Start with a 5 breath cycle and work up to 10.  Repeat daily.    

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“Many parents have made the tragic mistake of thinking that anger is wrong and should be disciplined out of children.”  ~ Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell, The 5 Love Languages of Children (p. 166)

SECTION 3 – Physical Self-Care of New Mothers (p. 23)

(From Wendy Shaw Dahl; Age 53; 1 Child; Founder/Physical Therapist, Mamamorphosis PT for Moms)

SAFE EXERCISES:  (3 days postpartum, until bleeding stops) – Isometric abdominals: Draw your navel in and up towards the heart.  Do this 10x a day, before getting out of bed, while holding the baby, and before bending over for diapering. Other exercise will depend on what happened to your body during labor and delivery.  This is the critical recovery period.  Respect it.  The more trauma that occurred to your body, the more time it will need to heal. 

For vaginal birth with no tears and no stitches, healing usually takes about 6 weeks, and 6-8 weeks for C-sections.  Add 2-3 weeks for bigger tears or more than a couple of stitches.  Slower healers will take longer, If you exercise (even walking to the mailbox) and you bleed vaginally, then your body is still healing and not ready.  You can’t hurry healing – good things take time!

(After bleeding stops completely) – Start your fitness program by trying what you did in your third trimester and work backwards.  After about 3-4 months, try doing what you did in your second trimester, and after a year, try activities you did before pregnancy.  If somewhere along the way, your body can’t do what you are asking of it, seek professional help.  Physical Therapy, Acupuncture, Massage Therapy, Chiropractics, Chinese Medicine, Naturopathy…everyone’s body responds best to different kinds of treatment.

As shared by Wendy Shaw-Dahl, MPT, new mothers can apply this mindful practice (taken from the French perineal education program) while strengthening their pelvic floor, once bleeding has stopped:

Lie on your back with knees bent for lower back support.  Inhale, first feeling the chest expand and then the abdomen.  You may not feel it, but the pelvic floor expands as well.  While exhaling, draw the pelvic floor muscles up towards the abdominal cavity, drawing the navel in and up towards the heart, and “knitting” the ribs together.  You may use your hands to gently assist the ribcage in coming together.  Let go and repeat the expansion on the inhale, “zipping up from the pelvic floor/abs/ribs on the exhale.  Start with a 5 breath cycle and work up to 10.  Repeat daily.    

***

“The problem I was having was caused by a lack of hydration.”      

"Early on when I was breastfeeding, I didn’t understand the need to stay hydrated.  I had a scare when my blood pressure dropped significantly – so significantly the nurse wasn’t able to draw blood to determine what was going on!  Little did I know, the problem I was having was caused by a lack of hydration.  It is so important to make a conscious effort to drink a LOT of water when nursing". ~ Courtney Wilcox; Age 27; 2 Children; Stay at Home Mom    

SECTION 4 – Importance of Parents Nurturing Own Interests and Talents (p. 25)

“Feeding our soul while also prioritizing our children goes a long way towards ensuring a good experience for everyone!

From a very young age I’ve been a “pleaser.”  It started by wanting more than anything to make my mother happy.  She was heartbroken when my father left her early on; he suffered from severe mental illness, and it was not by choice that he left us.

The desire to be able to take care of myself fueled my passion for law and motivated me to obtain my JD from Stanford Law School.  Not long after I graduated, my husband, an NFL player, decided it was time for us to start our family.  He assumed I would be staying home with the kids while he pursued his football career.  Wanting to make him happy, I complied without much consideration, and we had our first daughter. 19 months later our second daughter was born, and then our son, six years after that.

Throughout my childhood, I had watched my mother struggle to raise me, my sister (from my mother’s second marriage which also ended in divorce) and my uncle (her brother, who has Down syndrome and came to live with us when their mother died).  Those years were extremely hard for her and led to my belief that parenting was a struggle –not a joyful or fulfilling experience. I stayed home with the kids for the first few years and dealt with the challenges of caring for little ones, so close in age.  Eventually I began working part-time and found pleasure in developing a professional life while balancing the responsibilities of caring for our young children. Working with my “criminals” taught me many things about life. . . and things about myself as well.  Slowly, as my mindset began to shift, I learned to find the joy in spending time with our children along with pride in my burgeoning role as a criminal defense attorney.

As a mother, it’s not easy to balance parenting with a career, but I have found it to be not only possible, but both fulfilling and rewarding.  When I have time to spend with my kids, I do my best to be fully present and engaged with them, and we have many wonderful experiences together.  As mothers, I believe we must all find our way – be aware of what we’re drawn to and refrain from believing there is only one perfect way to parent.  Whether staying home with the kids or pursuing a career, feeding our soul while also prioritizing our children goes a long way towards ensuring a good experience for everyone! ~ Shanti Brien; Age 49; 3 Children; Criminal Defense Attorney; Author    

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"How do you want to write this new chapter of your life with a little one? It’s even worthwhile and fun to write the story you hope will unfold. But, rather than having fixed expectations of how it will be, think of this new chapter as an adventure story. Look for what surprises you. Be candid about what you lament. I encourage imagining in the morning to capture the raw emotions of dreams and hopes for the new day and points of gratitude, even amidst difficult times".     ~Don Maruska, Take Charge of Your Talent (p. 115)

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“Deeds, not words! Put your money where your mouth is...Choose what motivates and inspires you and then go out there and make a difference…don’t just sit at your computer and post!”   ~ Guy Crabb, Father, Former Teacher

SECTION 5 – Friends and Companionship (p. 27)

“One of the tasks of true friendship is to listen compassionately and creatively to the hidden silences.  Often secrets are not revealed in words, they lie concealed in the silence between the words or in the depth of what is unsayable between two people.”  

~John O’Donohue, Anam Cara:  The book of Celtic Wisdom

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"True friendship is the most precious of gifts.”

It was the beginning of my daughter’s 7th grade year, and our family had just moved from Vacaville, CA.  Our second son was starting his junior year of high school and my husband had taken a new job so we could realize our dream of living on the California central coast.  We were all feeling excited and a bit out of sorts in this new environment and I took a deep breath as I walked into the gymnasium for the first basketball parent meeting. I sat down behind a dark-haired woman who was sharply dressed and looked like she really had her act together! (I, on the other hand, was dressed in casual beach-type attire, looking like the California native that I am.)  The woman turned around and smiled at me, and I knew right away that I wanted to be her friend.

That was the beginning of a very special relationship – one I will forever be grateful for.  It turned out our daughters got along well, and Ana and I looked for each other in the stands at the beginning of each game.  It didn’t take long for a fast friendship to develop, and we both found we had so many things in common. 

Throughout life, we all experience struggles at one time or another, and having supportive friends can make all the difference.  Many people choose to tackle hardships on their own, but having someone to lean on, ask advice of, and receive comfort and support from is truly a gift.

Ana and I had that special kind of friendship.

Several years after we’d met, the unimaginable happened - Ana’s 16-year-old son died by suicide.  We both knew he was struggling, and Ana had done everything in her power to find help for him.  The high school and his teachers were supportive, but he was having difficulty sleeping, and falling farther and farther behind with his schoolwork.  He’d felt alone and isolated since the move and didn’t recognize the number of friends he had who valued him and wanted him to be happy. 

I was there at the house when Ana found him and knew at that devastating moment that I could not let Ana go through this alone.  As friends, we were humbled to find meaning in the unthinkable.  The vulnerability that was exposed would be honored.  We didn’t run away from the devastating emotions that threatened to suffocate. . .shame, guilt, grief. . .we decided to create a sacred space within the circle of our friendship and held on to each other tightly as the waves of grief crashed over us.

We knew that our children were looking to us for guidance and wisdom.  The way we navigated forward was paramount to their wellbeing, as well as our own.  Instead of curling up in a ball and disappearing from the world, Ana pushed forward, along with my help and encouragement, using her educational and investigative skills to gather resources for other young people in our community who were in need of help.  Together we worked tirelessly to form two nonprofits we called MindfulSLO, and ConnectBeWell, as well as a high school student club called REACH, with the purpose of promoting mental well-being and providing support to both students and their parents in our community. 

It’s been five years since Ana lost her son, and I have had my own share of heartaches.  Ana has been there for me, just as I have been for her.  What I’ve found is that true friendship is the most precious of gifts. . .it is earned over time and grows steadily from a state of mutual trust and respect.  Over the years, we have both realized that what we must do is accept and love each other (as well as our imperfect selves), with patience, compassion and kindness.  A friendship like ours makes anything possible. 

~Kerri Mahoney; Age 53, 3 Children; Cofounder of MindfulSLO and ConnectBeWell; Life Coach/Counselor/Community Volunteer  

***

(Written by an Anonymous Mother of Twins)

“When our kids graduated from high school, we parents decided to start a “Birthday Club” to ensure our friendships continued after our children moved away and began the next phase of their lives.”

When I turned nine, I lost my mom to cancer. My eleven-year-old sister and I had to move in with our aunt, her husband, and their six kids.  We never felt like we quite fit in.  Later, I married a man whom I loved, but initially didn’t want children. He eventually changed his mind, but unfortunately our marriage ended when our twin boys turned seven.  My life has had its challenges, but as I think back, I realize it was our friendships and positive outlook which kept my boys and me feeling optimistic and happy.

When the twins were in preschool, I met a mother with a daughter the same age as my sons and we all became friends.  She worked fulltime but wanted to be involved in her kid’s lives, so she organized social gatherings, including incredible 4th of July celebrations on her cul-de-sac. There were lots of things for the kids to do, and plenty of parents to get to know.  We always had something fun to look forward to!

After our separation, it felt strange at first being the only single parent in our group of friends, and I often felt like the “odd man out,” but everyone was supportive, and eventually that uncomfortable feeling left along with my own self-doubt. Over the years, this group of friends has grown slowly, and my boys and I have benefitted tremendously, as we have had many opportunities to interact with people our own age, sharing their love and camaraderie.

When our kids graduated from high school, we parents decided to start a “Birthday Club” to ensure our friendships continued after our children moved away and began the next phase of their lives.  We still get together regularly to enjoy fun activities.  I am so grateful to have these long-time friends who have shared so many memories with me and my boys. 

***    

“Today, the average American has fewer than two friends. And I don’t mean Facebook friends. I’m talking about what Aristotle describes as a kind of friendship among people who respect one another, who share common values, who want to help each other and see one another succeed not for their own advantage, but for the other person’s sake. 

That kind of friendship is proving harder to cultivate in a digital age.  Aristotle himself recognized that ‘such friendship requires time and familiarity.” 

“Who we choose to be in relationships with will directly impact how fast or slow we grow, affecting our careers, our health, our creativity, and all parts of our lives. Those who touch us on the deeper levels energize us and feel expansive.  They will be catalysts for our growth.  On the other hand, we may be in relationships which feel draining or emotionally toxic, and if this is the case, we must be ready to make healthy changes.  As we experience internal shifts and raise our frequency to love, toxic relationships will fall away and new, positive relationships will come in their place.  It is important to show others how to treat us.  If we fail to respect and value ourselves, we cannot expect others to do so.” We must look for friends who align with our energy and relationship goals and in this way, we will find joy and healthy companionship.”

~ Ben Sasse, Them

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Research shows that having friends is the #1 predictor of happiness!

SECTION 6 – Looking on the Bright Side (p 29)

“As parents (and human beings) the only thing we truly have control of is ourselves.  We have the ability to change the lens we see the world through, and this ability holds a great deal of power.” ~ Stormy Capalari, Kindergarten Teacher

 ***

“We can all choose to look for the good in life . . ..”

I was five years old when I realized I could choose happiness over sadness.  At 26, my mother had three children, ages 9, 8 and 7 and was undergoing a treatment of radioactive iodine to “kill” her thyroid gland so her hormones could be regulated by medication.  During the treatment she realized she was pregnant, but her pregnancy test was negative and consequently her doctors ignored her intuition.  They even sent her to a psychiatrist who asked why she wanted to have another baby.  Finally, at 4 months gestation, she had a positive pregnancy test but was told she would have to have the pregnancy terminated or her baby would be born a vegetable, due to the toxic thyroid treatment she had been undergoing. She agreed, but thankfully backed out at the last minute and was moved to the psychiatric ward of the hospital where she remained until my delivery.  I’m not sure if it was the stress of this ordeal, the mental illness that ran in my mother’s family, or perhaps a combination of the two, but my mother was never quite the same after we returned home from the hospital to my father and three siblings.  She was eventually diagnosed with bipolar disorder. 

My father was a kind, consistent and loving man and worked nonstop for his family.  If he wasn’t away fighting fires, he was with us doing home improvements or working on repairing his vintage cars.  I was happiest by his side, making myself useful whenever possible by handing him tools, bringing his favorite iced tea, and sometimes just keeping him company.  His warm and positive demeanor made me feel so good and was noticeably juxtaposed with the often dark and negative mood of my mother, which was unreliable and could change on a whim.  Fortunately, there was never a time when I didn’t feel loved by my father, my siblings, and even my mother.  I think I developed an outlook of gratitude early on, along with the knowledge that we can all choose to look for the good in life and begin every day with a positive attitude.  This idea has solidified and expanded as I’ve raised my own children and managed my hair salon for the past 27 years.  As I learned when I was a small girl, it’s just so much more fun to be happy!   ~ Jasi Sotello; Age 51; 4 Children; Hair Salon Owner; Mentor; Creative Designer

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"Kindness is tough when we’re sleep deprived. We’re off our game. Anger wells up. Amidst these times of change we struggle. The only thing we can choose in such situations is our frame of mind. Neuroscience shows us that having a positive, hopeful frame of mind enhances our creative problem-solving abilities. So, when you feel overwhelmed, take a moment to express your hopes about the situation. Yes, there are lots of fears and concerns. We don’t want to disregard them, and we don’t want them to narrow our thinking and undermine our joy.” ~Don Maruska, Father of 1, Author, Inspirational Speaker  

SECTION 7 – Significance of Smiling (P. 31)

“The best way to achieve happiness for oneself is to give happiness to others.” The Dalai Lama’s Cat (p. 32)

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In the book, Mere Christianity, author C.S. Lewis reflects upon an interaction with a neighbor with whom he is not eager to greet.  With great determination, he forces a smile, and then remarkably, the neighbor smiles back and Lewis begins to experience an internal shift of attitude.   

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“A smile can speak many languages but most importantly it says, ‘I see you and you matter.’” ~Kerri Mahoney