Additional stories

SECTION 1 – Deep Responsibility of New Parents (p. 35)

"Parents need encouragement – they don’t have to do everything perfectly.  Just continue to learn, love and do your best!” ~ Martha Chivens, Mother, Grandmother, Former Preschool Founder 

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2 Strong Reasons for Having Children: 

(1) Biological Desire 

(2) Greatest joys are your kids

Goal in raising kids:  

(1) They will be successful and happy

(2) Contribute to Society

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“When you have kids, you will feel what I feel and know what I know.”

We are never really ready to be a parent - it is something that requires practice.  I think it’s easier for those of us who have had good parents ourselves, but it’s still a challenging process and takes lots of patience. 

I grew up on a ranch in Mexico, with my parents, four siblings, and maternal grandmother nearby.  When I was six, my father went to the US, and my mother had the responsibility of both working and raising all the kids.  Fortunately, she had a lot of patience, and believed in talking to us, rather than using physical means of punishment.  She often said, “When you have kids, you will feel what I feel and know what I know.” 

When I was 12, I was responsible for the care of 24 goats, and my 12-year-old cousin worked with me to manage and care for them.  One day I was having an especially difficult time with the BUCK or breeding male goat. He was unusually aggressive and appeared to be preparing to charge my cousin with his horns. Without really thinking (in an effort to protect my cousin), I grabbed my machete and lunged toward the goat.   The BUCK, smart and aware, jumped back, just in time – my sharp machete closely missing his neck and catching only a small tuft of fur!  

Afterwards, I explained the situation to my mother, and she was beside herself. “You could have killed your cousin!” she cried.  After she had a chance to get control of her emotions, she sat down with my cousin and me, and talked through the whole scenario, explaining why it was such a bad idea to lunge at the BUCK with my machete, and how dangerous it was for my cousin.  Thinking back, I have so much appreciation for the way my mother talked to us kids, and I realize now that it now makes my job as a parent much easier.  ~Luis Delrosario; Age 30; 3 Children; Landscape Design/Maintenance.            

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“Cause no harm in word or deed. Hurtful words can cut like a sharp knife.” ~ Stacy Ballantyne, Mother, Grandmother

SECTION 2 – Formation of Habits (p. 37)

The things we do each day determine our habits - they can be helpful to our health, happiness, and well-being, or not so beneficial.  
Being conscious of our habits, thinking intentionally about the way we would like to live our lives, and helping our children to develop good habits from early on is a wonderful gift we can give to them. ~Lisa Guy
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It’s important to know about our family genetics -  some people have dopamine receptors which react immediately to stimulation from alcohol, similar to a response to heroin.  There is an immediate addiction that forms with the very first use! Others may have a genetic predisposition to mental illness or other ailments if regularly using a drug or substance. Knowing your genetic history may help provide motivation to avoid these substances with destructive outcomes.

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“Think about establishing the habit of connecting with others – regularly reaching out via telephone, letters or cards.  Doesn’t need to be a long message…just enough to show you care.”  ~Nina Truch

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As BJ Fogg so beautifully explains in his book, Tiny Habits, we can attach a small task to an existing habit for relatively easy success! For example, if we want to stay hydrated (along with our children), we can each have a large empty glass by the bathroom sink and help our kids develop the habit of filling it up and drinking as soon as we wake up each morning! A habit of good hydration can be to our advantage for our entire life!

SECTION 3 – Being Present (p. 39)

“How many times have you noticed that it’s the little quiet moments in the midst of life that seem to give the rest extra-special meaning?”  ~Mr. Rogers

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Simone Davies, The Montessori Toddler (p.182):

It’s difficult to stay present when we are trying to be all things to all people and being pulled in lots of directions as adults with lots of commitments, including as parents.  Here are some ways to practice being present:

1. Focus on doing one task at a time.

2. Use a notebook to write things down and review/process later.

3. Use technology consciously (hide phone in bedroom when not using)

4. Calm the mind, remember to breathe.

Imagine if we could spend more time in a peaceful space. With practice we can. 

The more time we spend finding a calm space inside ourselves, the easier it will be for us to return to that space when we need to be a calm leader for our child while they are having a hard time. 

SECTION 4 – Starting and Ending the Day Right (p. 41)

The way we begin each day can really change our life experience.  Remembering to give thanks each morning when we open our eyes for the gift of life we have, and those who share it, can help push aside feelings of sadness and loss.  Each day brings with it a new opportunity.  Our perspective and mental outlook is contagious for those around us - especially our children.  In the same vein, ending each day in a calm and peaceful way will help us all sleep better.  Stories, cuddles and songs make for peaceful sleep. ~Lisa Guy

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The Book of Joy, Dalai Lama & Desmond Tutu (p. 515):

REJOICING IN YOUR DAY

How we close the day and go to sleep is an important part of our practice - reflecting on the events of the day as a way of noticing whether one has fulfilled one’s intention, experiencing gratitude for one’s blessings, and turning towards the next day on the journey of life.  Here is the process:

1. Reflect on the day.

2. Pay attention to your emotions and accept your experience.

3. Feel gratitude.

4. Rejoice in your day.

5. Look to tomorrow - set your intention of how you will face the challenges that may  come. Trust that you will be able to handle whatever the next day may hold and release your concerns for the night as you go to sleep. 

Section 5 – Disentangling from a Negative Storyline (p. 43)

“Ninety percent of our anger is mental projection.  We can discover that angry words were in the past and no longer exist, except in our memory.”  ~Dalai Lama 

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“Dropping the storyline brings silence and clarity.”

We all have certain things which trigger us – memories packed with emotion which may come forward when we least expect them.  The words we use are the primary method for transporting our emotions from inside of us to out where they can be seen and heard. 

3 Steps to an emotional meltdown:

One -    Emotional meltdown

When you’re deeply engaged in an emotional melt down—let’s say your face is flushed, your breathing is shallow, your mind is churning out heavy negativity, you may have fear, or resentment, or hurting or disgust—you’re not considering the past and where all of this is coming from, or realizing this is happening again, or noticing where, exactly, you’re feeling it in your body, or mistakenly assuming everybody else feels and thinks the same way you do.  It’s NOW, it’s VISCERAL.  Terribly uncomfortable and you are not in control.

In addition to disorder in your guts, stomach, solar plexus, heart and throat, there are words, appearing in a steady steam alongside the bodily sensations.  These words agree with your sensations and negative thoughts, urging them on from the sidelines.  Do you need this?

No.  You can choose to extrapolate yourself, disentangle yourself from the wordstream that’s amplifying your unhappiness.  In other words, drop the storyline.  Disengage when your mind is no longer seeming like your mind.  

Two -  You feel like screaming

Suppose an argument has escalated and you feel like screaming.  That would be “letting off steam”—allowing the built-up energy to escape.  Better would be to “envelop” the problem (some say “eat” the problem) by applying a higher law, which is that you desire to capture the energy that has built up inside of you due to your arguing under the influence of a lower law--tremendous energy that could propel you to a higher level of being by using your intention to confront your impulse to scream.  This is what’s meant by “pushing back.”  Pushing back, exerting your will for a higher outcome, envelops the urge to scream (automatic reaction, a lower law) and the energy is transmuted from negative to neutral.

Three - You extract your attention from the story line, and exert your will to gain a higher ground.

Extract and exert. 

Your reward is energy freed from negative interference

~Mary Pellegrino, Mother of 1, Grandmother of 5, Writer, Editor

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“Finding equilibrium when strong emotions arise has been a tremendous learning curve for me.”

There is a gift in allowing our emotions to flow through without getting entangled in them.  Finding equilibrium when strong emotions arise has been a tremendous learning curve for me. I have experienced a pattern of shifting from emotion to thinking that can bring in blame or repetitive thoughts that are not helpful.  When I feel the emotion in my body for a minute or two without bring in my mind, some magic alchemy happens and I am clearer with how to respond, not from a place of reaction, but with the conduct and connection I value in life.  At this seasoned stage of life, there is a wholeness I am enjoying in tending to my own emotions well.  ~Marie McRee; Mother of 2

Section 6 – Cultivating Cooperation (p. 45) 

“Be the person who is sprinkling positive feedback throughout their day. . .”

As parents, guardians and caregivers, we have the ability to positively and intentionally shape our children’s skillfulness in giving and receiving feedback.  As they grow, they try to make sense of the world and often do so with very direct feedback that can be socially inappropriate or hurtful (e.g., “You look fat mommy.”). The opportunity here is to keep from taking it personally or shutting them down completely.  They are learning.  But instead, to teach discernment skills about the difference between healthy, helpful, actionable feedback and hurtful, negative feedback.

There is a vast body of research that says it takes between 5 – 17 positive feedback statements to offset the emotional discomfort of one negative criticism.  Be certain you are modeling positive feedback more often than you are modeling constructive, or what I call “performance improvement feedback.”  Be the person who is sprinkling positive feedback throughout their day so that the negative effects of feedback delivered in unhealthy ways outside the home is proactively mitigated.

When you model and encourage loving, healthy, non-reactive feedback throughout your child’s early years, you are teaching your child a skill that will serve them well for their lifetime.

~ Beth Wonson, Executive Coach/Author/Motivational Speaker   

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“It is so important for them to know they are a part of a cohesive, supportive team that makes them feel safe, respected, and ready to thrive”.

I am a retired 4th grade teacher, and I can honestly say I have loved every minute of my time in the classroom with my students.  Being a father to three amazing young women taught me that each child who comes into this world is unique, right from the start.  Every fourth-grade year began for me by taking the time to get to know each of my students and working to create a “family” of sorts in our classroom.  Building trust is essential to connecting with young people and bringing them into the decisions about classroom rules and behavioral expectations goes a long way toward gaining their cooperation and willingness to learn.  It is so important for them to know they are a part of a cohesive, supportive team that makes them feel safe, respected, and ready to thrive.

We had what we called “Performance Fridays”, where the class walked together to the multipurpose room, and students had the opportunity to take a chance and try out any number of activities including singing, dancing, playing the piano, telling jokes and riddles, acting out lines, and really anything they found interesting and wanted to try out on their classmates.  Before beginning, we would have conversations about how to show our support, which included no laughing at other students, making noise or distracting comments while others were “performing.” 

Several weeks into a new school year, one of my more reserved students expressed an interest in singing for the class.  It turned out she had a beautiful voice, and the class was spellbound.  From that point on, each week she would volunteer to sing, and clearly enjoyed herself tremendously.

It was time for parent/teacher conferences, and after reviewing her academic performance with her parents, I told them what a beautiful voice their daughter had.  The response they gave stays with me still and evokes such strong emotions. . . both parents looked at each other with surprise and confusion.  They told me they had never once heard her sing.  Not to the radio, not in the shower, not to herself. . . never before.  Somehow, I had found the special key to unlock this child’s treasure.  I believe each child has at least one treasure or gift within him or her, and it is our responsibility to help them find it!  

~Guy Crabb; Age 65; 3 Children; Navy Veteran/Teacher/Historian/Writer/Innovator

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“We can give our kids the encouragement to help in small ways, beginning early.  They can find the measuring cup in a bottom drawer, hand over a wooden spoon. . . the objective is to make them feel needed and appreciated, and this in turn, will encourage cooperation and participation in their later years.  ~ Nina Truch 

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“For so long, it seems, I’ve attended to her ‘needs,’ and now her ‘wants’ have come!”

Our daughter Aria, 2 ½ years old, was excited about Halloween.  I asked about what kind of costume she wanted to wear, and after some consideration she decided to be a fairy with delicate purple wings and sparkles.  But when it came time to put the outfit on, she had changed her mind and resisted.  It was simply not something she wanted to wear on Halloween.  Whatever the reason for the change, I decided it wasn’t worth arguing about, so I asked if she wanted to wear the soft dress with black cat faces she had recently received from my aunt.  With the addition of black tights and a black bow, Aria was set and ready for Trick-or-Treating.

From what my parents tell me, and memories of my childhood, I was strong-willed as a little girl, with many ideas of my own.  I see a number of my familiar traits appearing as Aria develops a strong sense of self.  For so long, it seems, I’ve attended to her “needs,” and now her “wants” have come! 

As I see my daughter often choosing to exert her independence, I am experiencing first-hand the battles that my parents went through with me. I know it will be important to establish clear boundaries with Aria, as well as rules and consequences.  It’s important that we take her opinions and wishes into account, validating her feelings, but also letting her know her dad and I are ultimately in charge.

When it came to deciding which outfit she should wear, it didn’t make sense to battle with her over wearing a purple fairy costume.  I gave her several other choices and her cat dress won out.  My husband and I are doing our best to prevent behavior problems before they start, and embrace positive discipline strategies which support Aria’s good behavior. ~Lyndsay K. Day; 32; 1 Child; Past Commercial Lender/Current Property Manager   

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“Our children are born sentient, as present as you and me, and so our primary job is forging person-to-person relationships with them – relationships that are honest, caring, respectful, unconditionally loving.”   ~Janet Lansbury, No Bad Kids (p. 94)     

SECTION 7 – Anticipation and Prevention (p. 47)

“My son, now 40 years old, began smoking marijuana at age 15.  Watching his life evolve over the past 25 years has created a clear, visual image of what happens when young people begin using pot at an early age. I have shared this with him on several occasions, but he is now addicted, and it would be extremely difficult for him to stop.  As I have told him: ‘It is as if Satan were using a straw to suck out everything you are . . . taking away your motivation, curiosity, enthusiasm. . .everything which allows you to hold a job and take pride in yourself and your work . . . removing your very essence.’”

 ~Anonymous Mother

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Kids need to be educated about the dangers in life.

I’ve made some mistakes in my life and have learned things the hard way.  As I anticipate the birth of my first child in several months, it’s clear to me that kids need to be educated about the dangers in life – this is the best protection we can offer them.

My mother and I have had many conversations about my little sister, who is now 13.  I understand that my mother has a strong desire to protect and shelter my sister from all the bad things in the world, but I know firsthand how dangerous drugs, alcohol and even certain situations and people can be, so I continue to encourage my mom to talk to my sister and be honest and upfront with her.  She needs to know about things in advance to keep her safe!  

Something I’ve started to do as her big brother, is to randomly take her phone when I am visiting.  She was just recently allowed to add snapchat and Instagram with the understanding that she would have a limited number of friends, and only boys who have been approved by me in advance.  So far, it’s going okay and she’s open to me looking at her messages when I’m around.

I tell her to put down the phone and go outside for some fresh air and exercise – it’s important to balance technology with other things in life, and I want to continue to help her learn to do this.  I believe in the idea of family and community helping to raise young people, and I think there are things my little sister can learn from me more easily than from our parents.  I hope my own daughter will benefit from the knowledge, guidance and love of our extended family and community as well.  ~ Miguel; Age 27; 1 Child; Small Business Owner/Home Repair

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“As a culture, we MUST be proactive. We must put resources towards, and work with, young children…”

In my job, I see many ways in which trauma leads people to commit crime - people who are victims of circumstance.  To reach our full potential, we need love, support and guidance, but for many, these critical elements are not available within their family or community.  They must look to outside sources for needed support. A few of my clients were involved in gangs as young men.  They told me that the gang provided a sense of community and purpose, even though it also involved destructive and even violent behaviors. 

Police and prosecutors have for many years imposed very harsh sentence enhancements if criminal activity is gang related.  Ours is a punitive justice system, not a system for healing, rehabilitation or growth.  I’ve seen many people who experience one trauma after the next – beginning with the trauma which led to a crime, the trauma of a prosecution and conviction, and finally, additional trauma experienced in prison. These traumas also harm families and larger communities.  It is a vicious cycle which is very difficult to break.

From my years as a criminal defense attorney, working with appeals and post-conviction proceedings, I now believe that in order to prevent an enormous waste of human potential, as a culture we MUST be proactive.  We must put  resources towards, and work with young children, especially those impacted by poverty, racism and inadequate health care. It is critical that they see themselves as worthy, important, and a part of something much bigger than themselves.  The only real way to fight against crime, racial bias, and the devastating criminal justice system, is to begin early, and provide those young people with the resources and support they need to find direction and purpose in their lives. 

Our criminal justice system has failed, and we must work towards a complete transformation.  The financial cost of our current system is unbelievable, and it simply isn’t working.  If we were to put even half of that money into early childhood education, healthcare, and community programs to motivate and interest young people from marginalized communities, the outcome would surely be highly beneficial! ~ Shanti Brien; Age 49; 3 Children; Criminal Defense Attorney; Author

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It’s not uncommon for parents to create a narrative about their children which hides their challenges and failings.”

Beginning in junior high, our son began to experience anxiety and depression.  We sought medical help and several reputable psychiatrists prescribed an array of medications which were changed every month and ultimately did much more harm than good.  Between the ramp up, wean off and change to new meds, it was an emotional rollercoaster and our whole family suffered.

It appeared it was the medication which accentuated our son’s anxiety and made it impossible for him to go to school.  The school was a living nightmare as well, as we attempted to get him out of bed and into class each day (many times unsuccessfully), dealt with truancy accusations, attempted to communicate with teachers and did our best to help him pass at least some of his classes. I’m sure the downward spiral he experienced was greatly accelerated by the medications.

Later down the road and initiated by peer pressure, our son started using marijuana, vaping nicotine and experimenting with alcohol.  I believe that it was the nicotine which caused his greatest behavioral and psychological problems, although the marijuana and alcohol were destructive as well.

My son has always been a good kid, and I believe he and his friends were not only unaware of the dangers of vaping and using marijuana but were strongly influenced by their peers, as well as messages from our society regarding the medicinal benefits of drugs and weed. In the medical community, the thinking appears to be: “If you’re struggling with something, take a pill.” Unfortunately, schools seem at a loss as to how to address this problem, and therefore choose to ignore it. It has been our experience that schools lack a framework to support students struggling with mental health and so they apply the structures of punishment, which only exacerbates the problem.

When I began noticing changes in our son and realized what was happening, I tried to reach out to other parents from his group of friends, but sadly was met with anger, denial and indignation.  As I’ve learned, it’s not uncommon for parents to create a narrative about their children which hides their challenges and failings, and this is exactly what happened.  I was basically “blackballed” from this group for several years, for simply trying to call attention to the problem.

I know our son’s story is not unique, and it is my hope that more attention will be given to the challenges today’s young people face as they enter adolescence.  Finding ways to address anxiety and depression in our youth naturally (without the use of pharmaceuticals) is of paramount importance.   From our experiences, I believe the following could prove highly beneficial to future generations:  Educating parents, children and teachers, about mental health and the dangers of drugs, vaping, marijuana and alcohol (by setting clear boundaries and addressing problems as soon as they arise);  balancing technology with time spent in nature, reading, and other healthy practices; encouraging parents to be upfront and honest about the challenges their kids are going through; insisting that schools have tools to address mental health that are supportive rather than punitive; and coming together as a community to help them build self-reliance and purpose in their lives. I hope we can unite as a society and find a way to create a wholesome, effective and unified offense to protect our kids!  ~Anonymous Parent

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“I believe that talking to our children early on regarding substance abuse, while they are still listening to us, can be the key to safeguarding their future.”

The legalization of marijuana in California and many other states, coupled with confusion between “medical” and “recreational” marijuana, have caused a myriad of problems for our youth.  Many are under the misguided impression that using this drug can be beneficial to them if they are stressed, anxious or depressed (which unfortunately, many of them are), and they have no idea about the many dangers posed for their developing brains. I believe that talking to our children early on regarding substance abuse, while they are still listening to us, can be one of the keys to safeguarding their future. ~Lisa Guy, Mother of 5

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Anonymous; Older Mother of 3.

“The beauty in all of this was that our son became the voice of good, common sense, armed with factual data within his friend group.”

During the summer preceding our youngest son’s junior year in high school, my husband and I happened upon a vaping device with flavored tobacco in his dresser drawer.  Knowing this was a serious issue that needed to be addressed immediately, we came up with a plan. 

Within a few days of our accidental and very concerning discovery, our son and I went for a drive.  He had recently obtained his driver’s permit and saw driving as total freedom.  As I sat beside him in the passenger seat, I turned to him and said, “So, your dad found something in your room – it’s a vaping device with flavored tobacco.”  I watched his jaw tighten and hands stiffen on the wheel.  After a few seconds he replied, “that’s not mine, mom.”  I knew this wasn’t true, and after a few minutes of discussion he admitted it was his but said it was only flavored juice, didn’t contain any nicotine and was totally harmless.  Besides, a lot of his friends were doing it too.

After having raised two older sons, and now older myself, I’ve come to understand that the ability to have frequent, open conversations with our children is the key to helping them become healthy, contributing adults who can ultimately maximize their full potential in life. These conversations must begin when they are young and continue throughout their lives.  Without this strong parental bond and connection, the pressures to fit in with peers, plethora of misinformation and stressors of being a teenager can result in our adolescents making unhealthy and unsafe choices in their lives.  Once these bad habits are formed, they can be very hard to break.

Our second son had been aware of his little brother’s vaping and tried to convince him to stop.  He was very concerned and had done some research on his own, discovering there are many nasty chemicals in the ‘flavored juice’ products, not to mention the added nicotine which is extremely harmful and intended to hook its users on tobacco products for life.  His concern was valid, yet he didn’t want to ‘rat’ on his brother. But once the ‘cat was out of the bag,’ so to speak, he forwarded all of the information he had found to me and my husband.

My husband and I decided to test him at least once a week initially, and depending on how he was doing, we would test less frequently, but always randomly.  This put the ball in his court.  He was in total control of his actions and would have to deal with the consequences of those actions. We told him that he would have to figure out how to get to and from school and work.  He did have a bicycle but he much preferred to drive. 

He tested positive the first time and lost his driving privilege for one week.  He was doing well for the next couple of weeks, and then had a setback with another positive test.  This time he lost his driving privilege for two weeks which made it more challenging to get to and from school and work, but that was not our concern.  We were crystal clear that he was in total control of his actions, and therefore, was in direct control of the consequences of those actions.   That was the last time he failed a test. 

It was hard for him because a number of his friends were still vaping, and he wanted to be a part of the group and do what his friends were doing.  We remained calm and committed to educating him about the many damaging long-term health effects caused by vaping.  We encouraged him to educate his friends, because they continued to be uninformed about the serious health risks.  The beauty in all of this was that our son became the voice of good, common sense, armed with factual data within his friend group.  He shared the knowledge he’d learned about the vaping industry with his friends, and they listened.  Everyone in this group has ended this dangerous and destructive activity.

As parents, I think it’s important to remain patient, firm and loving throughout the many phases of our children’s lives. They depend on us to guide them through adversity by setting appropriate boundaries without being overbearing and/or under-attentive.   It’s so important that our children know that we love them unconditionally, that we are doing our best, as parents, to nurture them through good times and bad, and that we value and respect them as individuals.  It’s not our job to be their ‘friend’ but to be their parent!  From healthy parenting comes strong, confident, honest and honorable members of society.  It’s not an easy job, but it’s our responsibility, and it can be so rewarding. 

I know that by setting appropriate boundaries with our son we not only improved his physical well-being, but that of his whole circle of friends. The saying, “It takes a village” is absolutely true.  We influence our children, and they influence their friends.   Our son is happy, healthy and in college now with aspirations of one day owning his own business.  We are very proud of the remarkable young man he has become. ~Anonymous; Older Mother of 3   

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Direct, honest, first person communication.

"Take ten minutes each day to practice and then make your essential conversations routine.  Make the conversations your primary activity – no distractions!  Have them whenever it works.  At the bus stop or walking home from school. At bedtime or early in the morning. Some days your conversations might be more ‘essential’ and heavy than others…there will be days when you don’t feel like having conversations at all, but please, have them anyway.” Janet Lansbury, No Bad Kids, (p. 28, 87) 

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“Share, share, share.  You’ve been there!  When it makes sense, share stories from your own adolescence, especially ones that show your vulnerability.  Teens may think they’re unique the ‘only one’ beset by their current trouble or weakness, so it helps to hear that others, even their parents, may have faced the same worries or concerns.”

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“We must be careful not to put words in our child’s mouth and discourage him from sharing his feelings. Never tell him he’s wrong to feel a certain way but look for ways to understand where the feeling is coming from.  If our child tells us she thinks someone hates her, she doesn’t feel well, or any other explanation of emotion or feeling, we should listen and do our best to delve a little deeper – Ask into it!”

“Instead of asking, ‘How was your day,’ ask, ‘How did you help someone today?” 

“It is likely that a certain percentage of kids who turn to drugs have a learning disability of some sort.  The frustration, teasing and sense of failure they may have towards schoolwork builds over time and creates a desire for escape.  Teachers may recognize a need for help, but their efforts may be thwarted by parents who refuse to acknowledge their child has a problem.”

~ Nina Truch, Mother of 2

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Johnny Rodriguez – “Once kids follow the wrong path it is very hard for them to find their way back.”

Along with two sisters and a brother, I had a strong foundation instilled by my mother and father for the first seven years of my life.  Unfortunately, my parents’ marriage ended when I was 7 years old.  At the age of 8, I experienced a trauma which was to haunt me for many years.  Looking back, I realize this was a pivotal time in my life – one which had drastic and far-reaching consequences.  A relative had been coming to our house regularly to work in the yard.  Someone I trusted and thought highly of.  He touched me inappropriately, and ashamed and uncomfortable, I confided in my mother.  She reached out to her sister for advice, and her sister said this relative had done the same thing to her own children.  They both decided not to say anything, as they didn’t want to create an uncomfortable situation within the family. We never talked about it again. What my mother didn’t realize is that her failure to advocate for and protect me rocked my entire world.  I could no longer trust that she would take care of me.  I would have to put up a defensive wall and make sure that no one would ever hurt me again.  It was all up to me.

Keeping people away turned out to be easy.  All I had to do was remove myself emotionally, and put on an act of being strong and impenetrable.  I got in with the wrong crowd – people like me, and we started drinking and doing drugs.  At 15, I tried a beer bong at a party and it made me very sick.  I really didn’t like the taste of beer but kept trying to drink and soon it wasn’t so hard…in fact it made me feel good and helped me to “check out” of my life and forget about the direction I was going.

From age 15 – 38, I was lost. 23 years of my life spent running from my past, and moving farther and farther away from my true self.  At 21, my girlfriend of 5 years, and the mother of my newborn, lost her father and consequently had an opportunity to take over his drug-trade business down by the border.  She told me she was going with or without me, so I went.  I ended up in jail for two years, and the realization that I was stuck, and no one could help me, hit hard.  Thankfully my cellmate was well respected and knew my family.  This, along with my size, attitude, and Hispanic “brothers,”  kept me from getting hurt or abused.  

I met some good people in prison.  People who told me I didn’t belong there and needed to get my life back on track.  When I was released, I applied for a dishwashing job at Giuseppe’s Italian Restaurant in Pismo Beach.  Two weeks in I met the owner, and he asked me if I was happy washing dishes.  I told him no, and he said he saw potential in me, and would teach me how to cook.  I learned well and soon became a valuable member of the restaurant staff.  During this time, I realized that drinking socially was widely accepted, and went out most nights to drink with my new friends at the restaurant.  I continued to drink more and more, and even added in drugs.  Soon it became hard to keep a job.  I left Giuseppe’s and bounced around from one restaurant to the next.  Getting the job was easy – the hard part was keeping it. 

 I left my home and lived in my car – working long enough to get a paycheck, quitting, drinking, partying and sinking lower and lower.  In a drunken stupor, I fell at my girlfriend’s house, breaking an ankle and spent the next year hobbling around.  I did not treat my girlfriend well, but amazingly, she stuck by me.  Finally, at the age of 38, my older sister (a Social Worker for 30 years) told me she simply couldn’t stand to see me like this anymore.  She said our family could no longer support my lifestyle of drugs and alcohol.  She gave me a list of three recovery facilities I could go to, and Sunny Acres was the one I chose.  I’m not sure why, but I’ve always had a special feeling about Sunny Acres.

I had reached my lowest of lows, and knew that if I didn’t get help, I would end up dead or imprisoned for life.  I knew I wanted to live…for my son (now almost a grown man), for my girlfriend, for my family, and for myself.  I called Dan Duvaul, the owner of Sunny Acres, and Dan told me he had one bed, and I could have it.  It was a big step, and I didn’t go that day.  The next day I had a call from the Program Manager, John, and he said he couldn’t hold the bed any longer and I would have to come immediately or lose the opportunity.  I left my hotel room (and an unfinished beer) and took the step that was to change my life forever…

When I arrived at Sunny Acres, I wasn’t sure what to think.  Amazingly I had no detox side effects – I had gone from drinking a gallon of vodka a day to being clean, overnight.  The one condition to those new to Sunny Acres was a counseling session – only one was required but more were available for those who were interested.  I stuck with the counseling and was amazed at how liberating it was to share my deepest secrets with another person.  My counselor was a young woman therapist who was fulfilling her training requirement and she inspired me to want to help others!  I also took Anger Management classes and learned ways to control my anger:  Walking in the morning and at night, talking to my dogs, spending time with my chickens…all of these things helped.

I was anxious to get on with my life and move away from Sunny Acres, and Dan Duvaul kept telling me I needed to slow things down – why was I in such a rush to jump back on the hamster wheel?  Dan told me I should relax, get stronger mentally and emotionally and then I’d be better prepared to deal with the challenges life gave me, and better able to cope and stay sober.  He said I should spend a year at Sunny Aces before moving forward with my life.      

During this time, Dan said he saw something very special in me and wanted to know if I’d ever consider running Sunny Acres.  I told him, “Absolutely not.  I’m a cook - that’s what I do, and I don’t know anything about farming.”  Shortly thereafter, a representative from Transitions Mental Health (TMHA) came to talk to me and said that the Department of Rehabilitation would pay for my schooling if I was interested.  I could also have surgery to repair my ankle.  I wanted both!

I attended Sober College online and worked during the day while studying at night for one year, and thoroughly enjoyed the education!  Much of the information I already knew intuitively, but it was good to delve deeper, put a name to a concept and be able to analyze my own psyche.  I earned a degree as an addiction counselor.  

Little by little, I had been learning how to run Sunny Acres, over the year I was recovering from ankle surgery and taking online classes.  It became obvious to me that although Sunny Acres was supposed to be drug and alcohol free, many of the men there were continuing to feed their addictions - approximately 60% of the men were still using.  I told Dan what was going on and he told me to handle it as I saw fit.  One of the other guys shared my opinion about the need for drastic change and said he’d back me up.  It was not an easy task – many of the men had to leave, and those who stayed had to change their thinking.  Sunny Acres became a place with NO TOLERANCE for drugs and alcohol.  Prospective residents had to agree to abstain and if they didn’t comply, they had to leave.  I stood my ground and gradually things began to change.  At times it was a hardship on the group.  When our valuable mechanics (who repaired the farm machinery) were asked to leave because they refused to stop using, we had to scramble.  But each time we pulled together and made it work, often learning new skills and stepping into new jobs when necessary.

Sunny Acres is now a place for men to go who want to change their lives for the better.  We are part of a loving family, learning how to enjoy life without relying on drugs and alcohol, attaining new skills and experiencing the results of our efforts.  We can help each other and in turn, help ourselves by growing intellectually, creatively and spiritually.  The magic of Sunny Acres lives on through the continuing efforts of Dan Duvaul, myself and the rest of the residents in this special community. ~Johnny Rodriguez; Age 44; 1 Child; Operations Manager, Sunny Acres

Johnny believes the following to be critical components of good parenting:

1.  Make a strong connection with our kids - Talking to our children openly and honestly and establishing the communication from the beginning as they grow, helps them to feel comfortable coming to us with questions and concerns throughout their lives! Communicate, communicate, communicate!!!

2.  Always be our child’s advocate – focus on building trust and letting them know they can count on you to do what’s best.

3.  Do things together as a family and build memories by having shared experiences . There were many times when Johnny’s father picked him and his brother up after the divorce and took them to the park.  Johnny’s father would nap in the car while he and his brother played baseball, but they both would have loved to have their father join in the fun.

4.  Balance Technology with Personal Communication - We lose track of connection with today’s technology.  It’s so important to put away the screens and interact directly.

Understand that prevention is so important – once kids follow the wrong path it is very hard for them to find their way back.  If children (and adults) are on a destructive path, Johnny believes that they must be ready to make a change for real change to happen.  Concerned parents often bring their troubled kids to Sunny Acres to talk to Johnny, but if the kids aren’t truly ready to change, they will simply fall back into their old, destructive habits.

***

The Michigan Model is a kindergarten through twelfth grade comprehensive school health education curriculum which teaches students the knowledge and skills they need to build and maintain healthy behaviors and lifestyles.  

Check it out at:  https://www.misd.net/sshschools/minmodel.html.       

Section 8 – Balancing Technology (p. 49) 

“My husband and I decided early on that we wanted to create a special space for our kids and their friends – we had a basket at the front door of our home, where cell phones were placed and remained throughout the visit. There was some resistance at first, and then when the habit became established, the kids relaxed and thoroughly enjoyed their technology-free time together.” ~ Rachel Kovesdi, Mother of 2  

***

“Allow boredom – when we have unscheduled time in our day to sit without anything planned (and without technology to entertain us) our child has a chance to be bored.  Their mind can wander and daydream, they can come up with new ideas, and they can make new connections.  When the mind is bored, it seeks stimulation and becomes increasingly creative.”  ~ Simone Davies, The Montessori Toddler

*** 

“Make a strong connection with kids. We lose track of connection with today’s technology. Put away the screens and interact directly." ~ Johnny Rodriguez

*** 

“If you are having difficulty controlling your kids, start with taking away the privileges of things which start with “C” – cable, cash, cell phone, computer and in their later years, car!”

As a high school career counselor and mother of a boy and a girl, I can attest to the fact that overall, boys are simply not as mature as girls of the same age.  In fact, one could say they rely even more on the structure and good habits taught by their parents and guardians. 

When my son was growing up, we had only one tv, which was located in the living room.  We encouraged kids to come to our house to play, and they all knew they would be spending time outdoors or playing board games inside – there was no online gaming at the Martin residence! 

As a special birthday party treat, several times we rented a Nintendo for the weekend, and the boys were allowed to play on the computer at our house then, but as a general rule, we discouraged this type of activity. I recall there was a period of three years or so during middle school when our son’s friends stopped coming over and played lots of video games elsewhere, but they eventually came back to our house as they matured and high school came to a close. 

Video game designers know just how to pull in boys and hold them captive – often for the rest of their lives.  Sadly, the inordinate amount of time spent playing video games can prevent young men from a host of other pursuits and hold them suspended in time – often stealing their initiative, interest in learning new things, and even the opportunity to attend college.  At our local public high school, 50% of students go on to college and 2/3rds of them are girls! During the recent pandemic, we saw many young women taking online classes at our local junior college, while many young men spent their extra time on online gaming.

I believe teens need extra help from parents setting rules and guidelines around video games and other technology.  Turn off the Wi-Fi at bedtime – assuring they won’t be online when they should be sleeping!  Additionally, parents can bring cell phones into their bedroom at night to charge, removing the temptation of late-night chats with friends and assuring a solid block of much needed sleep for adolescents.

In my role as a school board member, I often give the following advice when I’m speaking to parents: “Remember, you are the ones in charge!  During summertime when kids are little, it’s a great idea to feed them breakfast and then send them out of the house – it’s so important for them to learn how to play with others in the sunshine!  If you are having difficulty controlling your kids, start with taking away the privileges of things which start with “C” – cable, cash, cell phone, computer and in their later years, car! ~

~ Colleen Martin; Age 61; 2 Children; High School College and Career Specialist; School Board Member 

*** 

“We taught him how to reach out to acquaintances and how to arrange activities.” 

My husband and I decided early on that we wanted to create a special space for our kids and their friends – we had a basket at the front door of our home, where cell phones were placed and remained throughout the visit.

This system was actually born before our biological children had any electronics. When Nate was in 4th grade and Katie was in 2nd, we took in a homeless 16-year-old.  Although a sophomore in high school, he didn’t have a single friend – he’d been passed among elderly and addicted relatives his entire life.  So, when he entered our home, we taught him how to reach out to acquaintances and how to arrange activities.  At the time, he didn’t even know how to dial a phone.  We helped him to invite classmates to our home, and thought he’d have a much easier time bonding with his peers if they made eye contact, so we instituted the “phone basket.”  Nate and Katie never knew any other system. 

A few of the teenagers were reluctant to relinquish their phones at first, but over time, our house became a favorite gathering spot.  Everyone knew visits would be filled with hands-on activities such as homemade lava lamps, nerf wars, tie-dye, stick forts, karaoke, soccer games in the sun, card games in the rain. . . .and real connection with friends. ~Rachel Kovesdi, Mother of 2

 *** 

“We need to create space.  Happily, when we let go of the need to be constantly connected, we find the time to become meaningfully connected – to the people around us.”   

“We are designed for a rhythm of work and rest.  So one hour a day, one day a week, and one week a year, we turn off our devices and worship, feast, play and rest together.”  Them, Ben Sasse, (p.195)

   ***      

"Young children need to experience living in a three-dimensional world, not a technological, two dimensional one.  Sitting in place and looking at a screen or monitor, inhibits childrens’ ability to explore the world around them, and does not allow for the strengthening of muscles used for rolling, scooting, crawling and eventually walking.  This exploration allows the young child to take the essential developmental steps he or she needs." 

Technology is here to stay, and as parents of young children, it is wise to understand the importance of finding a balance with technology in our own lives.  Modeling appropriate behavior, guiding, protecting, and educating our young ones as they grow, in addition to helping them to establish good habits, will go a long way towards ensuring the healthy development of our children throughout their lives.

We must take care not to substitute technology-based pastimes for the interactive, nature-inspired experiences so important to the development of each of our children.  All children go through the various stages of development in order, at their own unique speed or pace. Pushing to make them go faster by introducing them to technology early on is likely to cause more harm than good.  During their first years, their “job” is to explore the real world around them.  Ours is to provide them with rich opportunities to that end. ~ Nisha AbdulCader; Age 58; 3 Children; Pediatrician 

*** 

“How happy my friends and I were when something wonderful appeared on the horizon. . . personal computers, and then, our miraculous Internet.”

Being in high school in the year 19 b.c., (that is, 19 years before personal computers), and 35 b.i., (35 years before Internet), my friends and I had problems that most kids today don’t even think about (they have their own problems now —worse ones).  We were serious about our school assignments.  If we had a paper to write that required research, it was likely we had to wait until after dinner with our families until we could hurry downtown to the public library, driving our parents’ cars. Once there, we would search for several books having information on our topic, and then read and put it all together “in our own words.”  Plagiarism, or “illegal borrowing,” would result in an “F” (for failure).

We had to hurry because the library closed at 8:00 pm - so early! It was no surprise my group of friends complained a lot, but we then came up with a “solution”:  we would sneak into a far corner of unpopular books and lay low until the lights were turned off, then emerge with flashlights to work all night on our projects.  We planned our first event for a Friday so that we could finish our work during the night and have the whole weekend free, and we discussed details like snacks, hygiene and batteries.  Then we were ready to present the plan to our parents.

We were surprised at all the reasons they gave for why this was a bad idea.  Sirens in the night, armed police breaking down the front door, “F”s for bad behavior, reputations ruined—all possibilities we had given some thought to but considered unlikely.  In any case, our brilliant plan was thoroughly squelched, and we were left to struggle along, but at least we had each other.  How happy my friends and I were down the road, when something wonderful appeared on the horizon to obliterate this and all similar problems:  personal computers, and then, our miraculous Internet.  

~Mary Pellegrino; Age 80; 1 Child; Musician/Writer/Editor

***

Anonymous – “Establishing a solid relationship of trust with our children early on is critical.”

As young men approach puberty, technology can be the gateway to pornography, and create a whole new set of challenges. My son was having a particularly difficult time at the beginning of his 7th grade year, and I knew something was wrong, but wasn’t sure what it was.  Finally, after a suggestion from my sister-in-law (who is a teacher), I asked him if his distress was related to pornography. He opened up, explaining that his group of friends from elementary school were spending their lunchtime at the cafeteria table, looking at porn websites and passing their phones around. This activity had made my son feel so uncomfortable, but he didn’t know what he could do about it.  I suggested he go out to the playground and play basketball during lunch, and this change made all the difference.  Establishing a solid relationship of trust with our children early on is critical.  It’s a good idea to make sure they understand that we are a safe place for them to share bad or difficult things they encounter, and they can trust us to talk things over with them, discuss a plan of action, and then handle things discretely when the occasion calls for it. ~Anonymous; Mother of 3; Small Business Owner. 

 ***

“How easy is it for any of us, instead of being present with a friend or a spouse, to tune out by getting lost in our isolating screens?  How easy is it for us as parents to give our kids an iPad to drug them into silence for a bit? It’s so easy to tune our world out, we often do it without even thinking.  We look to pass the time rather than to redeem it.” ~ Ben Sasse, Them, (p. ix)

*** 

“Technology is here to stay.  It is used too much as a crutch by people of all ages.  We would be delusional to say kids have to be kept off of technology entirely.  The use of technology is inhibiting the ability of young people to infer from human interactions.  The gift of ‘reading’ people is becoming a thing of the past.” 

“I believe young people have lost their ability to infer information from others…this comes from spending too much of our lives communicating via technology rather than face to face.” 

~Nina Truch, Mother of 2, University Professor                     

Section 9 – Discipline (p. 51)

In the 1960’s, Diana Baumrind, a developmental psychologist at UC Berkeley, developed the idea of three distinct parenting styles.  Twenty years later, Maccoby and Martin further contributed by adding a fourth style to this model. 

FOUR TYPES OF PARENTING STYLES:

Authoritative (most effective) – Parents have high, yet reasonable expectations for children’s behavior, clear rules and consequences, and communicate well with them in a warm and responsive way.  Parents are supportive and show interest but are not overbearing, and constructive mistakes are allowed. Children benefit most from this style of parenting and tend to be happy, self-disciplined, confident and able to think for themselves.

Authoritarian (“rigid ruler”) – Parents demand a great deal without offering much support.  They impose their authority on children without exception and often without explanation.  Children are more likely to be obedient and proficient, but have less self-esteem, social competence and overall happiness.

Permissive (indulgent) – Parents are lenient, stepping in only when there is a serious issue.  They do not expect their children to adhere to boundaries or rules and tend to avoid confrontation.  Children are often spoiled, unhappy, lack self-discipline and have problems with authority.

Uninvolved (indifferent or neglectful) – Parents fail to provide much needed guidance, nurturing and attention, although not always intentionally. The cause can be limited time in the home (often due to work obligations), or lack of understanding of or interest in important parental responsibilities.  Children are likely to struggle with self-esteem, low self-control, and behavioral problems. They also tend to do poorly in school and are often unhappy.

*** 

“Loving our child does not mean keeping him happy all the time and avoiding power struggles.  Often it is doing what feels hardest for us to do:  saying ‘no’ and meaning it.”  ~Janet Lansbury, No Bad Kids

 ***            

"Consistency is key!”As a teacher of middle school students, I am adept at the art of discipline.  However, as my own children develop (now ages 5 and 2), I find it is an evolving process which takes much of my interest, curiosity and time.  Books, podcasts, other parents and listening to our own intuition – these are all ways my husband and I are navigating forward. Consistency is key!  Making the effort to follow through on our part, even at times when it would be much easier to just give in and let the boundaries blur, helps to remove confusion and solidify our household rules and expectations.  

A technique I’ve found to be particularly helpful is making chores and daily responsibilities fun and habitual.  Preplanning is also something I highly recommend!  At the end of each day, before we start to prepare dinner, the kids and I make a game of cleaning up all of the toys strewn around the house.    I am a firm believer in baskets, buckets and receptacles within reach, for easy storage and clean-up. We play “toss the toys” until every last animal, Lego, and doll is tucked away safely.  Another thing we do, that seems to help with the relationship between our son and daughter, is to make sure all our games are cooperative rather than competitive. This helps them learn we’re all working toward a common goal and not against one another.

Our evening ritual was often a struggle until I started putting on an upbeat song called “In the Mood” (Glen Miller, 1941), and the kids and I now dance our way to the bathroom to prepare for bed and then our favorite, story time!  I found I can encourage cooperation if my requests are tied to fun, and when trying to move the kids quickly toward the car, we often “fly,” “skip,” or “hop” our way there.  

A friend was complaining about the struggle she was having with her child always wanting juice, and to me the answer was simple – stop buying it!  We find that having the lower shelf of our refrigerator stocked with healthy “anytime” foods (almonds, homemade yogurt, cheese sticks, cut vegetables, fruit) and a lower shelf in the pantry filled with other healthy options, takes the pressure off continual requests for food and snacks, and empowers our children to fend for themselves.  I’ve also noticed how often our five-year-old son helps prepare snacks for his sister – their current favorite is peanut butter crackers. ~Amanda Ferrell; Age 35; 2 children; Middle School Math Teacher

 ***                         

“Disciplining children by yelling and spanking (or other physical methods) only perpetuates these violent and aggressive acts.”

Growing up on a ranch in Mexico, I had a lot of responsibilities early on in life.  Both of my parents worked and it was my job to feed our three donkeys every day.  One particular day I was having an especially good time playing with my cousins, near my grandmother’s house, and I forgot all about the donkeys.  The day had gone by so quickly (which seems to happen when you’re having a lot of fun) and I looked up to see my angry mother walking toward me. . . home from work and come to punish me for having forgotten to feed the animals!  

I took off running, hoping to make it to my grandmother before my mother got a hold of me. (My grandmother had always been the calm, rational one, helping my mother to see reason, and manage her emotions before administering discipline).  My mother started running after me, but I was too quick!  Suddenly, much to my surprise and dismay, a neighboring ranch hand heard the commotion and threw his lasso, neatly capturing me within the grasp of the rope! 

What happened next was a surprise to me.  Instead of putting me over her knee and giving me a spanking (which is the common practice for many Hispanic families), my mother gathered herself, and in a calm voice, explained to me why it was important that I remembered to do my job of feeding the donkeys.  From what I have observed during my lifetime, disciplining children by yelling and spanking (or other physical methods) only perpetuates these violent and aggressive acts, as children will often repeat them to those younger and more vulnerable than they. ~Luis Delrosario; Age 30; 3 Children; Landscape Design/Maintenance. 

***

Justine Heinsen – “Together, we had him set daily and weekly goals, which allowed him to be in charge of his own behavior. . .”

Years before I ever had children, I had a student in my 3rd grade class who stretched and challenged me as a teacher.  He was fun and sweet, with a darling twinkle in his eye, but was repeatedly getting into trouble both at school and at home, and his parents were at their wits end.  They were kind, caring and attentive parents, but simply could not figure out how to help their son learn to follow rules and stay within boundaries.  He wanted so badly to please both his parents and teacher, yet he was loud and disruptive, blurted out of turn, had a very short attention span, and was too rough with the other students. Interestingly, there was a complete disconnect for him between how the day had gone and what my assessment would be.  At the end of every school day, he would ask if he had been good, and could honestly not remember if he’d gotten into trouble or broken any rules.  

It was time to start a new discipline policy in the classroom, and I worked with the students to create a short list of rules, which were numbered and posted in several highly visible places around the room.  The list was also shared with parents electronically and sent home with the students, so everyone would be on the same page.  Each student was given a blank “daily behavior” chart, which was taped to the corner of their desk.  Anytime a rule was broken throughout the day, the offending student would write down the number of the rule they had broken, along with a brief description of what they had done.  

This ended up being incredibly successful for all involved!  The students were taking responsibility for their actions, the parents were informed, and the young man who was having such behavioral difficulties was able to refer to his daily chart to see just what he had done each day.  Students learned the rules and helped each other identify the number of each rule that had been broken.  It also became apparent to the other students that the young man with the discipline issues was actually trying very hard to follow the rules and was making steady progress as he learned to manage his own behavior.

I reviewed his chart with him at the end of each day, and we talked about what he could do for the following day to improve his behavior.  He then took the chart home to discuss with his parents, and they continued with the encouragement, congratulations and discussions of how to improve.  Together, we had him set attainable daily and weekly goals, which allowed him to be in charge of his own behavior and learn that rules must be followed to achieve success. ~Justine Heinsen; Age 59;  2 Children; Past Teacher; Community Volunteer    

***          

“Sarah had just needed a clear and honest explanation.”

I’ve always believed that we should discipline and talk to young children just like they are real people with the ability to understand, reason, and make connections.  A situation I encountered with my friend’s three-year-old daughter exemplifies this idea perfectly. Lynne and I met in Avila Beach many years ago at our neighborhood park, when our daughters were around seven years old.  In addition to her seven-year-old, Lynn also had a precocious three-year-old named Sarah, who was often getting into trouble.  A number of times while my daughter and I were visiting their home, Sarah jumped on top of the clear glass coffee tabletop, only to be scolded sternly by her mother, who would say, “Get off the table!!!” Sarah would comply but then appear back on the tabletop again and again.  One day, Lynn, exasperated, exclaimed, “she always does this,” and I replied, “maybe you need to explain to her why she shouldn’t climb onto the table.”  She answered that in her Asian culture, they did not go into long explanations with their children – they merely gave the command, and the children were expected to listen and comply. 

One day I took care of Sarah at my house for a couple of hours, and I finally had the chance to talk to her on my own.  I noticed that she didn’t seem interested in climbing onto my glass coffee table, and I asked her why this was.  She replied, “Your glass table is so dark I can’t see myself at all – it’s not like mine.”  And then she went on to say that all the mirrors in her house were too high, and her tabletop was the only place she could see her reflection. She also said that she thought when her mother told her to “get off the table” she just meant to get off right then, and that’s why she continued to try to climb up again and again.  I asked why she thought her mother kept telling her to get off the table, and she replied, “because she is so mean.” 

Now was my chance to give Sarah a more thorough explanation about the need to stay off the tabletop, and I asked her if she remembered the beach glass we often collected along the seashore.  I reminded her of the soft edges and explained how the sand and waves worked together to smooth the rough edges of the glass.  I told her that if her glass table were to break, the edges would not be smooth, in fact they would be sharp and very dangerous.  She said she understood because her father had a restaurant, and she’d seen lots of broken glass!  I told her some glass was very strong and other glass was much weaker and could easily shatter into a thousand pieces.  I also told her the glass her tabletop was made of was not very strong, and if it broke it could be very dangerous to her, and she should think of her mother, who would have to clean it up.  I watched the wheels turn in her brain while she thought about all I had said.  Several weeks later I asked Lynne if Sarah was still climbing onto the glass table, and she said no – she had stopped.  My hunch had been right. Sarah had just needed a clear and honest explanation of why it was not a good idea for her to climb up on their glass tabletop.   ~Sybil Brennan, Age 44; 1 Child; Clothing Designer/High School AVID Program Coordinator

***

“Ultimately, the big secret to successful discipline is ditching the quick-fix, tricks, gimmicks, and all other manipulative tactics and simply being honest with our babies and toddlers (What a concept!) This is the most basic level of respect RIE (Resources for Infant Educators) teaches, and embracing it is as liberating as it sounds. ~Janet Lansbury, No Bad Kids ( p. 7)

Nine guidelines for Toddler Discipline Without Shame:

1.  Begin with a predictable environment and realistic expectations.

2.  Don’t be afraid or take misbehavior personally.

3.  Respond in the moment, calmly, like a CEO.

4.  Speak in first person.

5.  No time-out.

6.  Consequences

7.  Don’t discipline a child for crying.

8.  Unconditional love.

9.  Spanking – NEVER.

“Children do not feel hurt when the adults they desperately need establish behavioral boundaries.  It is easier for a parent to indulge a child than it is to be firm and consistent, and children know that.  A child may cry, complain or even throw a tantrum when limits are set.  In their hearts, however, children sense when a parent is working ardently to provide a safe nest and real love.”

 ~Janet Lansbury, No Bad Kids