additional stories

SECTION 1 – Love (p. 55)

“When we love a person, we accept him or her exactly as is:  the lovely with the unlovely, the strong with the fearful, the true mixed in with the façade, and of course, the only way we can do it is by accepting ourselves that way.”  ~Mr. Rogers

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Providing food and nourishment for our children is another very important role of parents, and indeed, food is an embodied aspect of love.  The kitchen is the heart of the home and the food we prepare there connects us to the earth and allows us to experience our birthright.  Water, sunlight, and the plants and animals which are sustained from the earth allow us to grow and thrive.  

Special customs, recipes, and food preparation can be passed down from one generation to the next and the simple of acts of preparing food and eating together can help families, friends and communities to bond with love and special connection to one another.

“The techniques employed to effectively feed someone are also central to a different, yet equally fundamental activity: loving someone.”

My grandmother and I have the same hands. From our petite palms extend knobbed digits with small square nails that barely reach beyond their pillowy beds. Like distributary channels of Ganges-Brahmaputra Delta, our hands are the source of life for the Shah Family: receiving histories of our Indian ancestors and carrying them forth to nourish generations of the future. 

I vividly recall the day Nans’ hands passed to mine her story, entrusting me with the responsibility of continuing her legacy. It was April and it was muggy. The ninety-degree heat reminded me of a monsoon day in the motherland. Yet, we were in San Antonio, Texas. After finishing our chai and Parle-G biscuits for breakfast, Nans asked me, “Do you want to learn how to make samosa? It’s my own recipe.” I nodded vigorously and began to salivate thinking about samosas. I loved the crisp crunch of the lightly golden casing – a perfect contrast for the soft texture and spice of the potato and pea filling. 

On her granite countertop, we prepared the ingredients. Diligently, our hands peeled and cubed potatoes. Delicately, our hands sprinkled amchur, black pepper and mustard seed to spice the filling. Rhythmically, our hands kneaded wheat flour and water together to create the flaky exterior of the samosa. Skillfully, our fingers folded triangular cones to encase the filling. 

Through this beautiful process, I saw that the techniques employed to effectively feed someone are also central to a different, yet equally fundamental activity: loving someone. Nans taught me that cooking well is a conscious choice that requires time and energy. Like loving, it cannot sustain with mediocrity and haste. To the outside, both may seem natural; however, neither are. Cooking and loving are learned, necessitating a focus on selflessness and connection. 

Although I have left Nans’ teal kitchen in San Antonio, I will hold the lessons of the samosa close to my heart for years to come. ~ Kaesha Freyaldenhoven, 24 yrs; Berkeley Law Student/Writer//Community Volunteer

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“Take care of your relationship with your husband or partner.  All good relationships require energy and effort!”  ~Anonymous 

SECTION 2 – Importance of Family (p. 57)

“The old saying that ‘money can’t buy happiness’ is true.  What really makes us happy is the security that comes from meaningful roots – our sense of connectedness to the people and places around us.”  Them, by Ben Sasse, (p. ix)

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5 Protective Factors Which Support Children and Help Them Thrive: 

1.  Parental Resilience

2.  Social Connections

3.  Social and emotional competence of children

4.  Knowledge of parenting and child development (ages and stages)

5.  Concrete support in times of need

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“Acquiescing to my daughter and son’s every wish does not benefit them in the long run.”

I think it’s so important for parents to be willing to say “no” to their child.  I speak from experience when I say that there is an innate desire for us parents to make our children happy – in fact it is something most of us strive for with all our hearts.  What I realize, however, is that acquiescing to my daughter and son’s every wish does not benefit them in the long run.  

Just recently, our fifteen-year-old daughter came to us with a request I simply could not agree to.  In an effort to keep the communication going with at least one parent, my wife deferred to my judgement, and I was the one forced to be the “heavy.”  The weekend before our daughter was to begin her sophomore year of high school, she and her friends were planning to spend the night, unsupervised, in a hotel owned by the parents of one of her girlfriends.  Although the parents only live a couple of blocks away, that’s still too far to prevent or react to an unsafe environment.  

I played out the scenario in my mind and came to the conclusion that there were simply too many things that could go wrong with this situation.  The girls were just beginning their second year of high school and having this final end-of-summer “bash,” unchaperoned, just didn’t make sense to me.  As I explained to my daughter, when she was 18 and off to college, then would be her time to be out in the world without adult supervision.

As I anticipated, she was devastated by my decision, made worse by the fact that all of the other parents of her friends were allowing their daughters to spend the night.  She refused to speak to me for about a day.  I rationalized to myself that if I was going to lose sleep, I’d prefer to lose sleep because of my daughter’s displeasure with me, rather than from fear of the many potentially dangerous situations she might have experienced, had I said “yes” to her request.

Both my daughter and 8th grade son are amazing young people, with a great deal of confidence, energy and enthusiasm.  My wife and I enjoy their company tremendously, and from an early age we have talked to them about everything.  I know there will be more challenges ahead, but I am not afraid to stand my ground and be the parent my children need me to be.  ~Anonymous; Age 49; Father of 2 Children; Small Business Owner 

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“Setting boundaries was so helpful.”

One of the things I have learned over the years is that there are times in our lives when it’s important to seek professional help.  My husband and I had some family challenges early on in our marriage, which were made manageable by suggestions and guidance from our counselor.  In fact, she was so good that we recommended her to other family members, and she ended up helping to heal our family.   Setting boundaries was so helpful.  We stood firm with an alcoholic family member, scheduling dinners from 6 – 8 pm and requiring that he stayed sober that entire day, before coming for the visit.  It was worth it to him to hold off on drinking until after we’d seen him and establishing and maintaining those boundaries changed everything for the better.    ~Cherise Sweeney; Age 47;  2 Children, Interior Designer/Business Owner

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“Family hospitality is a great treasure, for in this act of service, people truly get to know each other and to form strong friendships.  As you open your home to others, your children learn this meaningful way of sharing love with friends and family.”  ~Gary Chapmand and Ross Campbell, “The Five Love Languages of Children”

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“Implementing family meetings and family councils when children are young provides an avenue for children to learn, be heard, and builds family bonds.” 

While raising our six children, my husband and I chose early on to implement the idea of family meetings. Every Monday night, beginning when they were small, we gathered together in the living room. We'd sing songs, share stories, and play games. We also looked to the week ahead, noting special events, activities and menu planning, as well as possible vacation and holiday plans.

Although the idea of having family meetings is not new, most families neglect to implement them. It is often easy to be distracted, too busy, or forget to meet weekly with our family. Over the years, my husband and I made these meetings a priority, and found them to be the key to strengthening our family bonds, as we took the opportunity each week to teach social and life skills, values, and beliefs.

As the children grew, we continued spending Monday evenings together. The business meeting would include an agenda and each family member took turns leading the meeting.  When our oldest child was about sixteen, she decided she no longer wanted to be part of our family meetings. Each week, for several weeks, we invited her to join us. The first week, she sat in her room with the door closed. The following weeks, she began to slowly emerge from her room, sitting in the hallway and listening to the meeting. Eventually, she joined us again. I have learned that the most important parenting skills are to be consistent and intentional. We didn't stop our meetings because our teenaged daughter refused to join us; we continued to hold them each week and eventually she chose to rejoin the family on her own accord.

My husband and I later learned the importance of having family councils. If we weren't careful, sometimes our family night would turn into a family fight night. To avoid this, we implemented family councils. Once a month, we would meet on a Saturday morning around the kitchen table to set family goals, go over the calendar, talk about chores, distribute allowances, and address any other family concerns. Unlike our weekly family meetings, the intention of the family council was to take care of family business. 

Executive meetings took place when my husband and I met together to get on the same page. The two of us would meet as often as was needed to discuss various children, parenting struggles/concerns, upcoming events, finances, etc. These meetings helped us to have a unified front when parenting our children and avoided miscommunication and misunderstandings. 

Implementing family meetings and family councils when children are young provides an avenue for children to learn, be heard, and helps to build family bonds. These family bonds are vital to establishing open communication and trust as our children become teens. ~Deanne Ririe; Age 60; 6 Children, 15 Grandchildren; Parent Educator, Parent Connection of SLO County

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“Family grocery shopping can be a fun bonding time – planning and preparing meals, choosing food at the store, and carrying and putting away groceries…. many hands make light work!” ~ Nina Truch, Mother of 2

SECTION 3 – Community (p. 59)

“It truly takes a village to raise children, whether raising one or four.  Ask for help when you need it and talk to friends, family, professionals, strangers – whoever you can, to help you through the struggles and tough stuff in life.  And when the tough stuff gets really tough, if you feel you need professional help, don’t hesitate to get it.  Raising children is one of the most rewarding, fulfilling, wonderful things that you can do, but it can also be one of the hardest, and finding your network of support can make all the difference.”  ~ Tanya Erbstoesser 

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“I was at my wits end when I found my therapist.”

When I was 29, my mom, age 55, was diagnosed with lung cancer and went through a two-year fight for her life, which ended for her at age 57 – far too young.  While she was undergoing treatment and recovering from multiple surgeries, I was living four hours away and had two sons, one four and the other two.  I struggled with finding a balance between being there for my children and husband and being there for my mom and dad, who were both going through such a terrible time.  There really was no good solution.  I felt guilty leaving my boys and husband to care for my mother, and guilty for staying home and not being beside my mom as she was dying.

I sought guidance from a psychologist to help me deal with my mom’s illness, her imminent death and the best way to navigate through this very difficult period of my life.  Meanwhile, my two-year-old son was doing what two-year-old’s do – throwing lots of temper tantrums!  He was (and continues to be) very stubborn – a trait which has served him well in adulthood and has allowed him to succeed in many endeavors. But during that time, he would scream and wail for extended periods if he didn’t get his way.  I tried calmly reasoning with him, I tried ignoring him, but nothing seemed to work.  He followed me around the house, pulling on my leg, and screaming loudly. 

With everything else going on, I was at my wits end when I found my therapist. She gave me encouragement and concrete tools to survive this challenging period in my life.  Together we devised an effective strategy that I only had to use once and would never have thought to do on my own.  I will forever be grateful for her unbiased, expert advice! Thinking back, I don’t believe I would have sought out help for my struggles with my son if I hadn’t been dealing with my mom’s cancer as well.  

I believe that persevering through all of the challenges we face throughout our lives helps us evolve into who we are ultimately meant to be on this earth.  There is no doubt that coming together as fellow human beings and seeking help when difficulties overwhelm, is tremendously important in this process. ~Tanya Erbstoesser; 2 Children, 2 Grandchildren; Accountant/Controller

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“Human beings have an innate inner drive to be autonomous, self-determined, and connected to one another. And when that drive is liberated, people achieve more and live richer lives.” ~Daniel H. Pink, Drive

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“We serve our children; but as they are ready, we teach them how to serve themselves and then others.”  ~ Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell, The 5 Love Languages of Children, (p.93)

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“The old saying that ‘money can’t buy happiness’ is true.  What really makes us happy is the security that comes from meaningful roots – our sense of connectedness to the people and places around us.” Them, by Ben Sasse, (p. ix)

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PERSONAL PRINCIPLES:

1.  Each of us is valued and valuable.

2.  Each of us is free to change.

3.  Life is abundant.

4.  Hopes, not fears and expectations, can guide us.

5.  We don’t have to do all the work.

6.  Cooperation, not competition, wins.

How Great Decisions Get Made, by Don Maruska (p.188)

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“If America is going to survive – and that’s never an assumption to  be taken for granted in a republic – we will have to find a way to restore the bonds of community that give individuals a place in the world where they can enjoy the love of family and friends, express their talents, and serve others in fulfilling ways.” ~ Ben Sasse, Them, (p. 14)

SECTION 4 – Kindness (p. 61)

 “To the world you may be one person, but to one person, you may be the world.” ~Unknown

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“As my children left the house each day for school, I would say, ‘Kill them with kindness!’”

I’ve been a career counselor at a local public high school for the past 13 years and I honestly have to say that the most important thing I believe a parent can teach a child from early on is the desire to be kind to others.  As my children left the house each day for school, I would say, “Kill them with kindness!”

My daughter has been a military wife for the past ten years and has become accustomed to moving from place to place.  Early on during her marriage she was in need of a job, and I suggested she find a corporate job, or something in retail.  I was surprised at the vehemency of her response. She said, “Mom – I can’t believe you would think that I could take a job that wasn’t helping others!” She is now a middle school teacher in Compton, teaching 6th, 7th and 8th grade newcomers who’ve been in the United States for less than one year.  Five of her current female students have lost their mothers and rely on her for support and encouragement - academically, socially and with life in general.

There are so many things we must teach our children, but in my opinion, teaching them the importance of being kind to others is at the very top of the list! ~ Colleen Martin; Age 61; 2 Children; High School College and Career Specialist; School Board Member

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“You’re not allowed to sit at this table – you don’t have an invitation.”

I’ve often thought I should write a book about girls. . .experience has shown me that they can behave in the most wicked ways! Why is it that some girls seem to thrive on bringing other girls down in an attempt to elevate their own status?  Anyone who has a daughter and has watched the movie “Mean Girls” can relate to this in some way!

My own daughter’s experience with “mean girls” began at the beginning of 4th grade.  She entered the lunchroom and walked over to the table where her friends (since kindergarten) were sitting, and was told, “You’re not allowed to sit at this table – you don’t have an invitation.”  Needless to say, she was devastated, and this incident opened the door to a great many conversations and learning opportunities for us both.  

As parents, it is our job to help guide our children!  Understanding they are in the process of developing and likely to make a number of mistakes along the way, gives us the right perspective to help them grow into kind and cooperative human beings.  Unfortunately, many parents blindly believe their children, and are unable to accept that they may have participated in unkind or toxic behaviors.  

As I reached out to several of the mothers of my daughter’s 4th grade friends, I was met with anger and denial – and my daughter and I were both accused of being liars and shunned from the group for a number of years.   The mothers of those girls believed their daughters when they lied about what they had done.

What if we taught our daughters from a young age to be kind and respectful of other girls?  To lift them up whenever possible, giving complements, offering encouragement and standing up to bullies and anyone who is attempting to create division and dysfunction?  What if we were able to instill a strong sense of confidence in doing the right thing, and not worrying so much about what others think?  I believe this is not only possible, but something we must all aspire to do! ~Kathy Callahan; 3 Children; Small Business Owner

SECTION 5 – Respect (p. 63)

 “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” ~Proverbs 15:1

I grew up in a home where appearances were everything – what mattered most was how we appeared outwardly to the world. Things like my uncle, who suffered from schizophrenia, were not discussed, or ever mentioned. . . it was as if the fact that we neglected to talk or think about distressing things would take away their significance and make them simply disappear from our lives.

I was a girl of 10 or 11 when I realized this was not the way things should be.  Ignoring truths did not mean they were no longer real or relevant. Family members or friends suffering from mental illness were deserving of our respect and this meant speaking honestly about their situation and not trying to hide or ignore them.

Once a mother, I wanted to establish clear lines of communication with my three children, and make sure they felt comfortable and welcome to talk to my husband and me about anything they were curious about or interested in. Respecting them as intelligent and inquisitive human beings, would in turn make me worthy of respect in their eyes and would allow us to establish the kind of open and honest relationship I knew I wanted with my children.

Emotional intelligence (EI) is something that can be learned early on from parental modeling, or developed with some difficulty, later on in life, if the desire is strong enough.  I believe it is important and worth the work, and I have been focusing on how to improve my own EI over the past twenty years.

One of my parents dealt with anger by yelling.  Half an hour later all would be forgotten, and the incident would never be mentioned again.  With my own children, I continue to work hard to get a handle on my emotions before interacting with them, knowing that communicating in a respectful way with them will serve us all well.  This has taken some time for me to get used to, and I was greatly inspired by Provers 15:11, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”  The first time I remembered this passage and calmed myself before engaging with my angry child, I was dumbstruck with the positive outcome that ensued!  ~Grace Van Doren; Age 49; 3 Children; Lead Credentialed School Nurse

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“The honest, direct communication and message left a lasting impression on me.”

From a very young age, I intuitively knew that all human beings have a need to be respected and treated with dignity.  I grew up in a large family in Mexico, and as my father left for the United States when I was six, my mother and grandmother played a major role in my childhood development. 

I had my first girlfriend when I was 14, and she was two years older than I!  This caused my mother a great deal of stress, and as she told me later, she was so afraid of having “the talk” with me, but she knew it needed to happen quickly and decided to be very direct with her words. She told me, “I can’t pretend it’s not going to happen.”

I appreciated that she took me and my brother aside individually, sat us down, and talked to us like we were responsible human beings, explaining the way things worked between males and females.  It was uncomfortable for us, and probably even more so for her, but the honest, direct communication and message left a lasting impression on me.  I do my best to continue this tradition of treating my children (and others) with dignity and respect, and am grateful for this gift from my mother, and her mother before her. ~Luis Delrosario; Age 30; 2 Children; Landscape Design/Maintenance.      

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“Our children deserve our direct, honest responses so they can internalize right and wrong and develop the authentic self-discipline needed to respect and be respected by others. The goal is inner-discipline, self-confidence and joy in the act of cooperation. ~ Janet Lansbury, No Bad Kids, (p. 13)

SECTION 6 – Forgiveness (p. 65)

“Let the things of long ago drift away on the water.” ~Proverb

SECTION 7 – Fate (p. 67)

What we call our destiny is truly our character and that character can be altered. The knowledge that we are responsible for our actions and attitudes does not need to be discouraging, because it also means that we are free to change this destiny. One is not in bondage to the past, which has shaped our feelings, to race, inheritance, background. All this can be altered if we have the courage to examine how it formed us. We can alter the chemistry provided we have the courage to dissect the elements.” ~ Anais Nin, The Diary of Anaïs Nin, Vol. 1: 1931-1934

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“We create the actions that move us from one point of fate to the next.  We are the ones who connect the dots. We make decisions that move us from one point to another, and in the process we shape and create the picture of our lives.” ~Laura Lynne Jackson, The Light Between Us

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“The first step to healing, stopping the perpetuation of trauma, and in essence, changing one’s fate, is to learn ways of calming down the amygdala.”

Infants have no say as to which family they will be born into.  They arrive helpless, vulnerable, and completely at the mercy of those around them to satisfy their needs, and create a safe, loving environment for them to learn and grow. Children may be unplanned, unwanted or even uncared for, and not surprisingly, it is these children who have an especially difficult time as they travel through adolescence and ultimately reach adulthood. However, it is also important to note that these high-risk children are not the only ones to suffer from trauma during early childhood years. Overall, children do not have a “choice” as to what kind of life they would like to lead – at least not until they have become adults and are able to live on their own, with some control of their surroundings and away from dysfunctional parents or other abusive family members. 

There is a strong correlation between childhood trauma and high rates of alcohol and drug addiction, mental illness, ADHD, anxiety, depression, youth suicide and more.  Those who have endured deep trauma continue to suffer, even after the trauma has stopped, and unfortunately, this dysfunction is often passed on from one generation to the next, continuing the line of suffering year upon year. Children who endure adverse childhood experiences (ACE) and have no one to talk to, disconnect from their true selves and the “fight or flight” response of the amygdala (part of the brain which is responsible for emotional responses and the processing of memory) is activated, basically “hijacking” the frontal lobe or rational brain, and rendering it ineffective.  Thus, it is extremely difficult for the individual who has suffered trauma to make good, rational decisions and they are likely to end up addicted, incarcerated, or worse.

The first step to healing, stopping the perpetuation of trauma, and in essence, changing one’s fate, is to learn ways of calming down the amygdala.  Gaining control of emotions and recognizing the importance of finding ways to feel safe and secure, by way of practicing meditation and breathing techniques, can all greatly help with bypassing the amygdala and activating the prefrontal cortex, or rational brain. 

Once we reach adulthood and have become aware of our compromised psyche, we can now make our own decisions, and engage our “free will.”  While taking back the reins, it is possible to chart a new course, creating actions which allow us to shape and formulate a new picture of our lives. We no longer need be helpless and at the mercy of fate – an endeavor well worth working on!  ~Lisa Guy; Age 57; 5 Children; Former Business Owner/Community Volunteer

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“I believe even very young children can learn to calm their bodies and ready their minds for learning.”

During my years as a school nurse, I have worked with many children who have experienced trauma, and I’ve learned ways of helping them to calm their emotions which usually manifest in physical symptoms, such as crying, shaking, and increased heart and respiratory rates. Through various means, such as mindfulness and measured breathing, it is possible to help calm the amygdala and engages the prefrontal cortex. I’ve also learned that consistency and positive relationships are highly effective in helping those who have experienced trauma, to heal. Interestingly, trauma also affects the brain by changing the way DNA is read - the editing places a person with adverse childhood experiences at risk for poor physical and mental health, as well as addictive tendencies.

I believe even very young children can learn to calm their bodies and ready their minds for learning.  Too many adults affected by trauma haven’t had the opportunity to put a name to the thing (AKA trauma) that has plagued them.  However, I’m hopeful, especially with Dr. Nadine Burke-Harris, California’s first Surgeon General at the helm, that our state will become more and more trauma informed to where we (especially in the health and educational fields) will go about our work with a trauma lens - being proactive, with trauma-informed practices, rather than reactive. ~Grace Van Doren; Age 49; 3 Children; Lead Credentialed School Nurse     

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P. 210 – The Light Between Us, by Laura Lynne Jackson

Laura muses over the question of whether we have free will to chart the course of our lives, or are our futures already mapped out?  She believes in a model of existence which “is generous enough to encompass both free will – the ability to act at one’s own discretion – and predeterminism, which is the belief that all events and actions are decided in advance.  It is a beautifully simple model (she) calls ‘free will vs. points of fate.’”

“Our existence is mapped out by a dazzling array of destination points that are in place before we are born.  These are the points of fate – a continuum of all the crucial events, decisive moments, and significant people that constitute our time here. Think of them as stars in the night sky, a collection of beacons spread across a broad canvas.”

“We must learn to recognize our own light.  We must always let our truths and gifts and light guide our paths.  There are no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ paths – just different lessons we learn on different paths.  There are, however, definitely higher and lower paths, and taking the higher one can make learning our lessons easier.”

“Ultimately, it is up to us to make the choices, and that is where free will comes in.  We must never forget that we all have the innate capacity to honor the pull and get back on the true path.  ~Laura Lynne Jackson, The Light Between Us (p. 210)

SECTION 8  – Honoring our Ancestors, Elders and Family Traditions (p.69 )

"My twins were just four weeks old when they attended their first reunion and have only missed one in 27 years."

Our mother passed away when my sister and I were still quite young, and for many years we felt disconnected from our extended family.  Then something wonderful happened. At our maternal grandparents 50th Anniversary celebration, several of my aunts decided it was so much fun to have us all together, that they should start a biennial reunion, including everyone from both my maternal grandma’s and grandpa’s sides of the family.

That first year the gathering was held at the home of my aunt – the house where my sister and I had grown up. She lived on a large property next to my grandparents, and both houses were filled with relatives while others camped in tents in the large yard. Several of my relatives worked together to create a book for each family, containing our family tree and relevant family history.  Each guest was given one to keep.

My twins were just four weeks old when they attended their first reunion and have only missed one in 27 years.   They continue to look forward to spending time with the multigenerational group of cousins, second cousins, aunts, uncles, and grandparents. The games and festive atmosphere create a comfortable feeling of family camaraderie.    

There is quite a bit of coordinating needed to pull this reunion together, but with everyone contributing to some degree in their own way, we’re able to put on week-long events every other year, in beautiful outdoor settings with somewhere between 85 and 100 participants each time.  The planning is delegated to family members who volunteer and is passed down from generation to generation. Each nuclear family is responsible for hosting one dinner during the week, as well as coordinating activities which bring the entire group together each evening.  Additionally, family members bring hand crafted items for an auction, with the money raised going towards expenses for the next event. 

We agree to come together happily, enjoying each other and leaving discussions of controversial topics at home.  

I am so grateful my sons and I continue to have this opportunity to connect regularly with my large, incredible family! ~Anonymous; Mother of 2; Realtor and Small Business Owner

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Studies show that grandparents who spend a good deal of time with their grandchildren live much longer than those who don’t. 

Generations are meant to be together – so much to be gained and learned for all involved. ~ Beth, Hospice Social Worker

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“Remember, how we experience death as a child will affect how we handle our experiences with dying and death later in life. Taking the fear out of the experience makes room for the beauty and sacred nature of the end of the life of the body.” ~By Jill Garman, LCSW, Bereavement Counselor  

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Helping children during the physical decline, dying process, and death of a loved one.

There is often a tendency to guard children from the view of the declining loved one with the best of intension to protect the child from a possibly uncomfortable experience or memory. Here are a few suggestions and of course each child must be allowed to make their choice and there is no right or wrong choice. Grief and facing death of a loved one is an extremely individualized experience. Here are a few suggestions on what you may choose to present to the child.

1.  Be honest about the illness or cause of decline and provide an anticipated prognosis.

2.  Use the word “dying and death” to take the fear/anxiety/power out of the word and normalize “death” as part of life. Even a leaf, frog, ant, and plants die.

3.  Encourage the child to say goodbye by telling the declining loved one why they were important to them and share a memory, laugh, tell a joke, sing a song, or other engaging ways of connecting.

4.  Drawing a picture for the room or to put at the bedside, bringing a bouquet from the yard, or other actions can reduce some anxiety.

5.  Have the child touch the hand of the loved one, acknowledge the rising chest as a breath is taken in and the falling as it is released, feel the warmth of the skin, and the movement in the fingers as they are touched.

6.  Explain that lifting the eyelids takes a lot of energy when we are weak so it may look like they are sleeping when they are resting awake and can hear very well.

7.  If the child wants to stroke the hair or even lie beside the loved one, allow this as long as it is safe and does not cause increased discomfort to the dying loved one.

8.  If there is a family pet it is helpful for the child to show the pet the breathing, the warmth, and the movement. Being the teacher can give the child confidence in this situation. After the death the child can again bring the pet in to show the difference in the body.

9.  After the death, allow the child to see the body. 

10. Let the child see that the chest is not rising with breath any longer, the hand is cooler or cold to the touch, and there is no more movement of the body. A young child especially will be helped seeing the difference and reduce the expectation for the return of the loved one.

11. Tell the child that a mortuary service will come to the home to take the body away when everyone is ready to say goodbye to the body.

12. Remind the child the influence, love, traditions, and memories of the loved one goes on for generations to share.

Note: Remember, how we experience death as a child will affect how we handle our experiences with dying and death later in life. Taking the fear out of the experience makes room for the beauty and sacred nature of the end of the life of the body.  By Jill Garman, LCS, Bereavement Counselor

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Memorializing stories and images and connecting generations is Janine Robert’s passion. She creates Legacy Videos which can bring family members, their messages and stories back to life for future generations! http://www.memorytreemoments.com/  

SECTION 9 – Beauty of Nature  (p.71)

“Let the children be free; encourage them; let them run outside when it is raining; let them remove their shoes when they find a puddle of water; and, when the grass of the meadows is damp with dew, let them run on it and trample it with their bare feet; let them rest peacefully when a tree invites them to sleep beneath its shade; let them shout and laugh when the sun wakes them in the morning as it wakes every living creature that divides its day between waking and sleeping.” ~Dr. Maria Montessori, The Discovery of the Child

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Ways to include Montessori activities outdoors and in nature:

1. Seasonal activities - take a basket to the local park or forest to collect leaves, acorns, shells, sticks, rocks, stones and pinecones. Fruit picking varies by season, too.

2. Grow vegetables - no need for a garden. Set I[ a [pttomg statism and have a watering can nearby.

3. Movement opportunities - climb trees, balance along walls, tree stumps or logs, hand from branches, swing from a tire, ride a bike, kick a ball, jump with a jump rope, chase each other, run fast and walk slowly.

4. Notice the beauty of the outdoors together - watch insects and birds, water droplets on leaves, waves on the ocean, the sunset. . .

5. Find moments of quiet - look for a place to sit and watch the clouds, sit in silence, or just breathe.

6.  Make treasure hunts - make a list of pictures and work together to find all the items on the list. Could be in the garden, the park, the ocean or any outdoor place.

7. Build a hut, cubby house, or obstacle course and invite some friends.

8.  Make outdoor art - Use mud, water, leaves, flowers, seeds, grass and any other natural treasures you find.

9. Make a musical wall - In the garden, hang old pots and pans, bells and any other objects that make sound when banged.

10. All-weather exploration - Get some great all-weather clothing and shoes (for both adult and child) and stop in puddles, make a snowman, or put on a hat and sunscreen and head to the beach. Have fun!!!

Bonus:  Anything to do with water - spraying the windows, filling a bucket and painting bricks with a brush, running through a sprinkler, making rivers with sand and water, or using a water pump at the playground. 
~ Simone Davies, The Montessori Toddler (p. 60)