additional stories

Our world (and our perception of it) continually evolves as we move through the different stages of our life - our 50 year old self will see the same things much differently than our 25 year old self would have! 

As parents, if we understand the developmental stages of our children and have the right attitude towards them, our perception of the challenges we encounter with our young children will be altered with a positive and useful slant! For example, when they are toddlers, we can think of this time as the “Training Two’s” rather than the “Terrible Two’s.” 

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Every day is like starting a new life:  whatever you did yesterday doesn’t count; it’s the future that counts!”  ~Don Barrett (Avila Beach Community Spotlight, Avila Beach Life newspaper)

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The Light Between Us, by Laura Lynne Jackson, p. 258

Laura Lynne talks about how we are all capable of recognizing amazing links to the Other Side.  She says:

“We are all connected to those we love, both here and on the other side.  I encourage (people) to open their minds and their hearts to the idea that the universe is a bigger and more magical place than we can imagine.”

 “Now here is the beautiful part – nothing about our lives has to change, except for our perception.”

“My wish is that we realize and celebrate the gift we have inside us, and that we come to understand how opening our minds and hearts to it can fundamentally transform our lives.

There won’t be any bolt of lightning or claps of thunder.  All that will happen is that we’ll start to look at our lives differently.  But that tiny shift can change your life.  It can change the world.  It can rattle the universe.  And the light between us all will shine even brighter.”

“I believe young people have lost their ability to infer information from others…this comes from spending too much of our lives communicating via technology rather than face to face.”   ~Nina Truch, Communications Professor at Cal Poly San Luis Obispo

Section 1 – The Power of Listening (p. 75)

“I felt the need to remind many parents that parenting does not stop at a certain age; we always need to be available and ready to listen whether it be about friends or anything else.”   ~Lynn Stafford, Retired Teacher

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“Listening provides a cornerstone for conversations about difficult things.  We can help children of all ages learn to respond to big emotions with short-and long-term strategies for communication.” Abigail Gewirtz, When the World Feels Like a Scary Place

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“I like to listen.  I have learned a great deal from listening carefully.  Most people never listen.”  ~Ernest Hemingway

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“Listening is where love begins:  listening to ourselves and then to our neighbors.” 

~ Mr. Rogers

Section 2 – Playtime (p. 77)

Encourage hands-on learning - Toddlers learn best when they touch things, hear things, taste things, and see things.  To raise curious learners, look for ways to provide hands-on, firsthand experiences for them.  

When they start to ask questions, instead of simply giving them the answer, we can say, “I don’t know. Let’s find out together.” Then we might be able to do a small experiment or explore together, like getting out a magnifying glass to let them take a closer look.  Or, we may visit the zoo, go to the library to find some books, or ask a neighbor who knows more about the topic.”  ~ Simone Davies, The Montessori Toddler, p. 89

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Children learn a tremendous amount from playing with others. Allowing them to work through disagreements without stepping in to help, can help build empathy, communication and social skills, and benefit them for the rest of their lives. ~ Lisa Guy
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“Being able to resolve conflicts peacefully is one of the greatest strengths we can give our children.”  ~ Mr. Rogers

Section 3 – Learning to Share (p. 79)

"When our child was a baby, they may have easily handed things to us or, when something was taken out of their hand, they may have simply turned around to find something else to play with.

This willingness to share changes when they become a toddler as they develop a heightened sense of “I,” and want to practice something until mastery.  Suddenly, around 14 to 16 months, we may see them pull their activity close to them, push away another child who is watching them at work, or shout “No!” to an innocent toddler walking by. 

Before 2.5 years, toddlers are mostly interested in parallel play - playing on their own alongside another child - rather than sharing their toys and playing together.  So we may need to adjust our expectations that a toddler will be able to share their toys. (If they have older siblings or play regularly with others in a day care, they may learn to share a little earlier.)” ~Simone Davies, The Montessori Toddler

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“All children are selfish, so they are often unaware of the importance of communicating in ways that are not familiar or comfortable.  For example, one child may have a problem sharing – and thus in giving gifts.” ~Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell, The 5 Love Languages of Children 

Section 4 – Recognizing and Encouraging Children’s Gifts (p. 81)

Parents and caregivers will get to know their children better than anyone else will, and can begin looking early for the areas and activities which their children are drawn to and excited by. Helping to expose them to many activities and experiences and encouraging them throughout their childhood years will help our children to unearth their gifts. ~ Lisa Guy

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“Knowing that we can be loved as exactly as we are gives us all the best opportunity for growing into the healthiest of people.” ~ Mr. Rogers

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 “…it is so much easier to express your talent fully when you work, play, and live in a supportive culture.  ‘Stop banging on the piano, Wolfie!’ probably wasn’t something heard often in the Mozart household.” ~ Don Maruska, Take Charge of Your Talent, p. 141

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p. 137 - “The beauty is that everyone has talent, and we can express our talents in millions of complementary ways.  As your talent shines brightly, another person’s talent need not be diminished.  In fact, the opposite is true.  Each time you dig deeper to let more of your talent flow, you create wellbeing in the world.  It doesn’t matter if you are an artist and work by yourself in a studio all day or you are part of a multinational corporation.  You, by virtue of being a human on planet Earth, are a team player.  What you do, the choices you make, and the ways in which you express your unique attributes in the world make a difference – a big difference.” ~Don Maruska, Take Charge of Your Talent, p. 137

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Don Maruska speaks of the importance of identifying opportunities to learn, grow and develop, and he adds, “After all, with a few keystrokes, a participant can quickly find needed subject matter information on the Internet.  Developing skills and boosting inner qualities such as curiosity or assertiveness can yield greater advantage.”  ~ Don Maruska, Take Charge of Your Talent, p. 152

Section 5 – Faith, Hope and Wonder (p. 83)

“As human beings, giving thought to the spiritual side of life can bring us many blessings . . . “

With the addition of new life to our family comes the opportunity for growth, learning, and unity. I remember when my little sister was born – I was 8 years old, and my parents and I moved our beds into the same bedroom on the first floor and slept side by side with our new baby for two-weeks. I have never felt more connected to my family than during that time. The connection I felt was not only physical and emotional, but spiritual as well.  

My mother and father were born in Iran and emigrated to the United States when they were 19.  They were forced to flee Iran because of persecution for following the Baha’i faith.  From a young age, the Baha’i faith and its tenets molded my beliefs and morals.  The core tenets include:  the fundamental equality of all human beings regardless of gender, race, nation or social class; the harmony of science and religion; the need for compulsory education; a universal shared language and script; and the elimination of the extremes of wealth and poverty. 

Growing up as a Baha’i influenced me greatly and has continued to do so as I practice Emergency Medicine.  I look upon each patient as a brother or sister in need of assistance and do my utmost to bring them joy and confer the same care I would to a dearly beloved family member.  I often think back on the following quote:

“Tend the sick, raise the fallen, care for the poor and needy, give shelter to the destitute, protect the oppressed, comfort the sorrowful, and love the world of humanity with all your heart.”

~The Baha’I Faith

There are many religions throughout the world, with varying belief systems, but the core principle of them all is unity.  Religion is meant to bring countries, communities, friends and families together.  As human beings, giving thought to the spiritual side of life can bring us many blessings and provide an atmosphere where both parents and children may continue to learn, grow and evolve throughout our lifetimes, realizing our connection to others and something greater than our own, individual selves. ~ Fardis Tavengary; DO; Age 30; Emergency Medicine Physician

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p. xvii, The Light Between Us, by Laura Lynne Jackson

“Because the light is there, binding us, intertwining our fates, because we all draw power from the same energy source, we know something else to be true.  Nobody lives a small life.  No one is forgotten by the universe.  All of us can greatly brighten the world.  It’s just that some of us haven’t yet recognized how powerful we are. ~ Laura Lynne Jackson, The Light Between Us, p.xvii 

Section 6 – Fostering Unconditional Love / Trust and Faith in Baby (p. 85) 

Ursula's Story

“The confidence our father had in us kids was fortifying, motivating and empowering.”  

I came from a family of 7 children – 5 girls and 2 boys. My mother and father were both born in Germany, and we lived together happily until my mother passed away at the early age of 47 (at which time my father’s hair turned completely white.)  Before that sad period, I have many good memories of our family together. Once we kids were old enough, my mother made a habit of meeting my dad at the bank where he worked and walking him home each evening. It gave her a chance to enjoy some peace before the flurry of activity at dinnertime and spend a little quality time with my dad, discussing the events of the day.  

My father was a good man, and he loved his family. He often said that he didn’t worry about us kids, because we were all healthy, capable and competent, and would go places, wherever that might be.  The youngest child in our family was my sister, and at the age of eight, her teacher discovered that she had dyslexia. Her disability had gone unnoticed until then, because she was so smart and had an almost photographic memory.

Once her dyslexia was discovered, I was given the task of teaching her to read!  In my effort to get her full attention, I tried scare tactics – threatening that she HAD TO LEARN because she would never be able to find her way home if she became lost and couldn’t read a map or street signs.  She learned slowly, but we kept working at it and her reading gradually improved.

In Germany, a student’s path is chosen early on, and sets the tone for the rest of his or her life.  If one’s teacher feels they are capable of handling advanced schoolwork, it is recommended that they be allowed to move on to a higher level.  As my sister still struggled a bit with her reading, her teacher decided not to recommend her for high school.  What happened next has been cemented clearly in my memory! Our father simply said, “Well, she will have to go without your recommendation.” The confidence our father had in us kids was fortifying, motivating and empowering.  We all believed in ourselves, because we knew he believed in us. 

My sister went on to become a geologist, and she worked in Israel and Italy.  She married a fellow geologist, and as there were not many jobs in their field in Germany, they both went back to school, studied computer science, and secured great positions working for Insurance Companies. When I think about my father, I am proud and grateful to have had such a strong, loving and supportive man on my side – his faith in me never wavering. ~ Ursula Gildersleeve; Age 80; Mother of 3; Grandmother of 4

“Trust in the Child. . . 

. . . Dr. Montessori encourages us to trust that the child wants to learn and grow - and that the child intrinsically knows what they need to be working on to develop as they should.  This means that if we provide them with a rich environment to explore, we don’t need to force them to learn or be worried if they are developing “differently” from their peers. 

We can trust that they are developing along their unique path, in their unique way, on their unique timeline.” ~ Simone Davies, The Montessori Toddler, p. 86

Section 7 – Failure, a Temporary Defeat (p. 87)

“He is finally someone his little brother (now 19 years old) can look up to.”

My son had a hard start when he was a teenager.  He got into drugs and didn’t graduate from high school. Many nights he was off with his friends, and I worried and worried.  He started having nightmares from the drugs and often came into our bedroom at night, scared to death and needing to be comforted.  My husband and I tried to talk to him, but he wouldn’t listen. Most of his friends had graduated and he was embarrassed and drifting without a purpose. Not knowing what to do, we reached out to the high  school counselor, who suggested he go to the Grizzly Academy and finish his degree.  He needed 120 units and Grizzly offered only 60, but there was the option of doing an Independent Study while was he was living at the Academy.  I told him the only way this was going to work was if he really wanted to change his life, and then I prayed. 

The day before he left, we got into a huge fight, and I was beside myself…crying…devastated. My younger son witnessed this and said, “Mom, I promise I will never make you cry!”  A week after he had started the new program, my son called me, sobbing softly.  He told me he was so sorry about everything he’d put me through…he had been lost…on the wrong path…and couldn’t find his way back.  He told me he had been doing terrible things – things I’d had no idea were happening and he had been so scared.  

We will be forever grateful that our oldest son was able to complete all 120 units and graduate from high school at the end of his six months stay at the Grizzly Academy. He came out of this a different person – confident, self-assured and motivated.  He is now 26 years old, and has just started his own business, doing handyman work and detailing cars.  He is finally someone his little brother (now 19 years old) can look up to – in fact he gives us advice about how to guide him and has hired his brother to help with his new business! 

Growing up in today’s world is more difficult than ever and establishing a trusting relationship with our children is so important. This difficult experience taught me and my family so much.

I encourage parents of young children to spend quality time together, talking about all kinds of things, and establishing trust and a solid relationship.  There is no question this will help so much when they enter the tumultuous teenage years. ~ Anonymous Mother of 4

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“A person that never climbs will never fall.”  ~ William Shakespeare

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(Complete Story) 

“All I saw in my mind’s eye was a well-meaning man making one blunder after another. . “

I held him awkwardly in my arms.  He, only minutes old and we were alone together, the nurse having left us to gather the things needed to weigh and measure him.  Looking into his baby blue eyes, while tears welled up in mine, I said to him, most sincerely, “I’m sorry.”  Yes, these were the first words I uttered to my first-born child: “I’m sorry.” And I meant it.  And, it would not be the last time I would say these words to him.

I was not one of those new fathers that you see in the movies running up and down the hallway of the hospital maternity ward telling everyone who will listen, with great joy, “I have a son. A son. I am a father.” I was not filled with joy. I was overcome with a love like no other for this child, but I was also filled with terror and apprehension. I had no idea how to be a father. The thought that I, who could barely manage my own life, should now be responsible for the life of another was absurd.

During my wife’s pregnancy and looming labor, I tried to imagine myself in the role of a father. All I saw in my mind’s eye was a well-meaning man making one blunder after another so it seemed only fitting that I should offer my young son a heartfelt, blanket apology for all the mistakes, errors in judgement and misunderstandings that lay in this innocent child’s future.

Like so many of our children today, I did not have the experience of a strong father role model that I could draw from to inform the relationship with my new son. In regard to what it is to be a father, I was on my own. Fortunately, the child was in good hands for my wife of seven years (at the time) is a natural born mother and, if that were not enough, she was a pediatric nurse. She was able to guide me through the finer points of meeting the needs of an infant.

So, you say, what is the problem? The problem is that I did not want to learn to be a mother. I wanted guidance as a father. Not the same thing. I have always been a “learn by doing” kind of person. But, if you are a learn by doing kind of person, you have to be willing to make mistakes and learn from them. This is all well and good if you are trying to replace a washer in your kitchen facet (this was in the time before YouTube), but quite another thing when you are taking this approach to raising a child.

My lovely wife taught me how to change diapers, bottle feed and tend to the basic needs of a newborn, but I knew that there was more that I should be doing. I did not know how to “play” with an infant. I was not comfortable with the cooing and peek-a-boo games that mothers typically find are second nature.

At the time that our son was born, my wife and I pretty much lived paycheck to paycheck. To save on childcare Helen worked the three to eleven shift at the hospital and I worked during the day. We often would exchange the baby in the parking lot of the hospital, she having commuted into town and I on my way home. It was during these evenings when I was on my own with the baby, that I struggled to find ways to fill our time together before bedtime arrived.

I was and am an avid reader. I did not know much about raising an infant, but I did know that talking to them and reading to them was a safe and beneficial activity. We had a sparse library of children’s books pretty much limited to Goodnight Moon and Runaway Bunny. The thrill of reading these to my son had worn off pretty early on, so I thought, “Why not?” I will just read to him what I happen to be reading myself. Well, what I happened to be reading at the time was Henry Miller’s Tropic of Cancer. Here is what Wikipedia has to say about the book:

Tropic of Cancer is a novel by Henry Miller that has been described as "notorious for its candid sexuality" and as responsible for the "free speech that we now take for granted in literature." It was first published in 1934 by the Obelisk Press in Paris, France, but this edition was banned in the United States. Its publication in 1961 in the U.S. by Grove Press led to obscenity trials that tested American laws on pornography in the early 1960s. In 1964, the U.S. Supreme Court declared the book non-obscene. It is regarded as an important work of 20th-century literature.

It never occurred to me that I should be concerned about the content of the book I just wanted to add to my cultural literacy and give my child the experience of the rhythm and melody of my voice speaking the language. Helen, on the other hand had her own, very specific opinion on the subject of literary content.

One evening, when we were all at home together, Helen was cooking something with tomato sauce, stirring a bubbling pot with a wooden spoon. I was sitting in the kitchen reading my book happily to my son. Without any warning at all, Helen spun around to face me, the spoon she held, dripping with red sauce pointed directly at my nose, “I think that you had better find something more appropriate to read to our son,” said she. Being a wise husband, I nodded in acquiescence, put the book down and quietly cleaned up the puddle of tomato sauce that had dripped onto the floor.

The next weekend I was perusing the library at my in-law’s house, looking for “something more appropriate” to read to our son when I came across a copy of Winnie the Pooh. This book I recognized and pulled the title from the shelf, sat down and began to read. I had not progressed past the first chapter, “In Which We are Introduced,” when I set the book down and thought to myself, “If this book possesses just a fraction of the wisdom that can be found in the first pages, then it is well worth my reading and will certainly be appropriate to read to our son.” Here is an excerpt from the book:

Here is Edward Bear, coming downstairs now, bump, bump, bump, on the back of his head, behind Christopher Robin. It is, as far as he knows, the only way of coming downstairs, but sometimes he feels that there really is another way, if only he could stop bumping for a moment and think of it. 

It occurred to me that this is exactly how I felt about my own life: There must be a better way, but I can’t stop bumping long enough to think of it. After a bit of thinking like this, I picked the book up again and read it through to the end in one sitting. I was enthralled by the stories, the characters and the wisdom contained in the stories, and I could not wait to share this book with my son. The next day my boy and I were sitting together, he reclining peacefully in his chair and I beside him reading from Winnnie the Pooh. I looked up at my wife sitting across from me and was warmed by her knowing smile. 

This was the first of countless books and stories that I read to my son every night until he was in the eighth grade. Even though we had precious little quality time together what with the frenetic schedules that modern families maintain, time was set aside each evening before bed for reading. I knew that engaging in this nightly ritual was one thing that I could do as a father that would enhance our relationship. Did doing this make me a perfect father? Not in the least. I, like any parent made mistakes, misinterpreted, misunderstood, over-reacted and on and on. But I learned from my mistakes, maybe not the first time, but eventually. 

What reading to my son did for our relationship is that it allowed for us to share some intimate, quality time together each night. Through the common experience of the stories we read, we were able to have quality, open conversations about the characters and situations in the story. These conversations allowed us to develop understanding and empathy for those who are different from ourselves; to think critically about the decisions and situations that characters found themselves in and to relate the events and archetypes in the story to our own lives. These conversations allowed the two of us to get to know each other and it gave us a basis for talking about and resolving our own difficulties. All of this provided a strong foundation for us to build our relationship.

How do I know that I was learning how to be a better father? One night, when my first born was about fourteen years old and my second born was about seven, we were gathered as a family engaged in conversation. I do not remember what the context of the conversation was, but at some point, my eldest son turned to me and said, “You know dad, you are a much better father to Cameron than you were to me when I was his age.” One has to admire the courage and trust that a son must have to say such a thing to his father. I was proud of him at that moment. I was also proud of myself because, for once I am sure I said just the right thing in response to his statement. This is what I said: “Jameson, if that is true, and I think it is, then it is because you taught me how to be a better father. So, you can take credit for that.” He smiled at me and nodded his head seeming satisfied.

My oldest boy is now a man and himself a father of a fine boy. It is pure joy for me to watch him with his son. He seems so confident and self-assured; he is so loving and marvelously supportive. He reads to his son every night just like we did when he was a child.     ~Russell Swanagon; Age 66; 3 Children; College Professor/Storyteller/Writer

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“As our children grow, we can anticipate dangerous or unpleasant outcomes and limit temptation.” 

Allowing our children to fail is essential to their growth and development, yet as parents, it is our responsibility to look out for dangerous and problematic situations and do our best to help set them up for success.  During the early years, we can establish and maintain a healthy schedule of sleeping and eating, provide consistent and loving discipline, stay calm during tantrums and model appropriate behavior. 

As our children grow, we can anticipate dangerous or unpleasant outcomes and limit temptation.  When my children were in high school, my husband and I never left them at home for the weekend, unattended.  We knew what could happen in our absence.  Some friends of ours left their high school daughter at home for the weekend while they went camping - they trusted her to behave appropriately.  She had no intention of hosting a large, wild party, but made the mistake of mentioning her parents’ absence that weekend to her boyfriend. Before she knew it, 200 teens had arrived at her house and things quickly got out of control.  She ended up calling her parents and they contacted the police, who came to break up the party.

Looking ahead and anticipating unfavorable outcomes can help keep our children safe, limiting potential dangers and roadblocks.  Our children are bound to make mistakes throughout their lives, but our guidance and wisdom can help to prevent those most detrimental to their safety and well-being. ~ Colleen Martin; Age 61; 2 Children; High School Career Counselor; School Board Member 

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My Grandfather, Ernest (Aurelio) Pellegrino, would often tell my dad when he was growing up:  “I give you rope, but not enough to hang yourself.” ~Lisa Guy 

As parents, it is our job to allow our children the freedom to try new things and explore outside their comfort zones -  we must understand that one of the best way to learn is through failure.  The ability to learn from our mistakes, making adjustments along the way and trying again, is critical to building a sense of resilience and self-confidence. ~Lisa Guy

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“Effective or ‘good enough’ parenting begins in early childhood, with sensing and responding to babies’ and toddlers’ needs, and helping young children master the challenge of their increasing independence.  Nurturing independence while also setting limits (for safety) can be tough, but worth the nail-biting.  Children whose parents let them explore show more confidence in the world.  Similarly, allowing very young children to try and fail at things, rather than always jumping in to prevent disappointment or frustration, teaches them mastery-motivation – the conviction that effort and persistence pay off and failure is a natural part of learning. ~ Abigail Gewirtz, When the World Feels Like a Scary Place, p. 35

Section 8 – Building Resilience and Courage (p. 89)

(Complete Story)

 “Children are naturally strong, resilient, adaptable and resourceful. . .”

I grew up in Los Angeles, California, the only child of Eugene and Linda Warren, with a half-brother from my father’s previous marriage.  My parents were loving, nurturing and supportive, but also insistent that I have many different experiences throughout my childhood, in places outside our home in South Central Los Angeles.  My father worked for himself, and during the school year he was the designated parent driver for our little group.  Every morning he picked up five students and dropped us off at two different schools.  He was like the neighborhood dad, telling us stories and having morning conversations to teach us about life.  Each summer, my parents signed me up for various camps in the Torrance/beach city communities.  In most of the summer camps I was the only African American participant, which at the time made me feel slightly uncomfortable, as this was the complete opposite of the private schools I attended throughout the year.  

One particular summer camp stands out in my mind.  It was a drama camp in Redondo Beach and I was the only African American girl in the camp.  I felt like everyone else had a friend except me. Every morning at drop-off I was sad because I knew it would be another day of being alone.  One day a girl asked me a question during one of our workshops and I felt so happy, like maybe this girl could be my new friend.  That day at lunch I saw her eating with her group of friends, and I worked up enough courage to go over and say hello, in hopes that I could join them.  When I approached the group, the main girl said to me, “What are you doing over here?”  Mortified, I turned and left the group, finding a place to sit and eat my lunch alone, once again.  When my mother picked me up after camp that afternoon, I told her about the experience, in between sobs and tears.  Thinking back, I realize this must have been twice as painful for my parents, but they didn’t show it.  Instead, they continued to encourage me to persevere, and get what I could from the drama camp.  My Dad would always tell me, “Tomorrow will be better.”  

I now have children of my own and realize the importance of providing them with a variety of learning experiences and challenges they may have to overcome.  Children are naturally strong, resilient, adaptable, and resourceful, and placing them in situations where these characteristics are allowed to grow is essential to their successful development.  As an adult, thanks to the opportunities provided by my parents, I can now walk into any situation with a strong sense of my own self-worth, confident in my ability to communicate and work with a wide range of people.  I also feel the experiences I faced helped me to develop a sense of kindness and acceptance toward everyone I approach. ~ Janine Roberts; Age 39; 3 Children; Special

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“The greatest glory in living, lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.”

~Nelson Mandela                         

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“Compliment your children at least three times a day, always looking for good, and remember – don’t stop during the teenage years!!!” ~ Bridget Ready

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“I believe people are like Swiss cheese – with the holes being vulnerabilities and insecurities...

...many of them passed down from one generation to the next. Parents who lack a strong sense of self pass on their trauma and dysfunction to their children, and on and on the cycle goes. Breaking the cycle is difficult and can be helped by counseling and therapy for these parents, who ideally should do the work on themselves before subjecting their children to more of the same. My own children are ages 5 and 10, and since their birth, my husband and I have focused on providing them with the love and support they need, building them up with positive reinforcement, providing boundaries and consequences, and instilling a sense of accountability for their actions. 

As a University Police Sergeant, part of my assignment is to educate and prevent students from being sexually exploited by traffickers who sell them a “glamorous, fast track lifestyle.” I’ve learned that young women develop their sense of self by age six, and if they’ve experienced trauma or neglect leading up to this time, they are especially vulnerable. Children whose families offer little parental guidance and no set schedule for bedtime or meals, rarely get enough sleep or proper nutrition. This leads to exhaustion and failure to perform well in school. They usually lose the opportunity to participate in sports and organized activities. As more and more “holes” develop, their potential is stripped from them, and they often find themselves in situations they never chose, such as a life of drugs, criminal behavior and/or exploitation in the commercial sex industry. 

A large part of my job at the university is working with 18 to 22-year-old students who want to end their lives. Many stressors contribute to feelings of anxiety, depression and hopelessness. It all boils down to making an emotional connection with these young people. . .letting them know their lives are meaningful, and they will be gravely missed if they take their own lives. As I speak frankly to them about their desire leave this world, I tell them suicide is not an option now, and won’t be an option ever. I remind them they have survived every day of their life so far, including the current day. I let them know I care. 

My husband and I are determined that our children wait until they are sixteen until they have cell phones, as we believe they pose a great danger to our youth. There is far too much content for them to process, causing attention-deficit disorder, anxiety and depression. In addition, they provide bullies and sexual predators with easy access, which can have drastic and far-reaching consequences. Today, more than ever, our children need us to love and support them, speak honestly about the many dangers in our society, and provide them with the tools and guidance to build resilience and navigate safely through to adulthood! ~ Anonymous Mother of 2, Police Sergeant 

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“Obstacles will arise as you pursue your hopes.  Obstacles are like moguls on a ski slope.  You can tighten up and stop, or you can see the impediments as elements that will help define your journey and increase your flexibility and enjoyment as you successfully navigate them.” ~ Don Maruska, Take Charge of Your Talent, p.138

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It is important for parents to model resilience for their children!

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“Building Resilience - 8 Tips for Parents” by Wendy Ulrich, PhD & Lyle J. Burrup, MSW

1.  Model good coping skills.

2.  Praise effort – not just success.

3.  Praise more than you correct.

4.  Teach that mistakes and failure are part of life and something we all experience.

5.  Ask questions to help children solve a problem –

a.  Recognize what happened (without placing blame)

b.  Identify options

c.  Figure out ways to solve the problem

6.  Allow children to experience natural and logical consequences to their choices.

7.  Help children stay positive during trials.

Give children opportunities to do hard things        

Section 9 – Illness, Disabilities and Developmental Delays (p. 91)

Alisa Williford; Age 54; 2 Children; Technical Consultant

“You just need to love him, and everything will work out fine.”

At age 32, while I was moving my best friend across country from Boston to San Diego to begin her new life, my doctor called to inform me that the baby I was carrying had Down Syndrome, “We need to know what to do. . . will you be terminating the pregnancy?” “No,” I said, “we will not be terminating anything!” After three heartbreaking miscarriages, there was no way I was going to end this pregnancy. 

The first thing I did when I returned home to Boston was to read everything I could find on Down Syndrome. “Can I do this? I wondered.”  To make matters more difficult, in the third trimester, my doctor found a hole in the baby’s heart. . . one more thing to worry about.  When I went into labor, the doctors realized I had bronchitis and laryngitis and gave me something to help me sleep and breathe. Several hours later, I awoke with a start in full-fledged labor. When DJ was born, the nurse put him in my arms, I looked down at his face and all of my worries melted away.  I knew he was mine, and I was meant for him.  It was all going to be okay.

The nurse I had in the maternity ward was an angel.  She said to me, “You have the most beautiful baby! That is not a baby with Down Syndrome.  You just need to love him, and everything will work out fine.” It turned out this nurse also had a child with Down Syndrome, and she wished someone had told her those words when her daughter was first born. 

One of my aunts had a connection with our local early intervention organization in Boston and had lined up all of the services available for DJ by the time he was born. Right from the start, I spent time massaging his limbs, giving them resistance (loosening and then later building his muscles) while singing, cuddling and talking to him.  His development was delayed, but by two he was furniture-walking, and by 3 1/2, he could walk on his own although we needed to reposition his knees under his hips repeatedly, to avoid hip dysplasia.  Repositioning and correcting became a matter of course.  His speech was delayed as well, but we used sign language, which was extremely helpful.  The best news of all came when the pediatrician informed us that the hole in his heart had healed!

From all my research, I’d learned that children with Down Syndrome can experience an array of health challenges, and I asked our pediatrician to test his thyroid early.  He found that DJ did require thyroid medication.  He also suffered from asthma, chronic ear infections and other breathing issues, but we found that once we moved to the warmth of the California coast, all of those respiratory issues seemed to disappear. 

I have always said that anyone who is blessed to spend time with DJ will benefit in many ways, and certainly his little sister is no exception.  She is protective, strong, non-judgmental and accepting. . . and forever grateful that her brother is always happy, and loving life to the fullest.  My advice to parents who have a child with Down Syndrome is this: inform yourself before the baby is born, but do your best to stay positive, and don’t expect the worst-case scenario.  Remember. . . he or she is just a baby, to be loved and cherished. . . and everything will work out fine.”~ Alisa Williford; Age 54; 2 Children; Technical Consultant 

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“She is a special pearl on my strand. . .”

As a mom nearing my 70’s, I’ve begun to see my life as a string of pearls. . . before my three children were born, I envisioned having a pure white strand – simple, uniform and perfect.  But to my surprise, each child’s birth brought a pearl of a different color.  One I had never imagined or known existed.

In nature, pearls come in a vast array of shapes and sizes, colors and hues – all with an iridescent luster which brings with it a special sort of magic.  One could say the same of people. My string of pearls, which has grown throughout my lifetime, consists of those closest to me.  It is precious – colorful and unique. . .unlike any other.  Our third child, a daughter, was born with Down Syndrome thirty-three years ago.  She is a special pearl on my strand, fastened securely on each side by a sturdy knot. . .holding her place among our family and closest friends. 

We enter and leave the world as a single pearl, growing from a grain of sand. . .a single cell. . .and becoming a human being who walks through life for a finite period of time.  Just as the mollusk gives life to the pearl, we nurture our children, helping them to grow into the humans they were meant to be.  Along the way, it is the warmth of interconnected hearts which brings us life, and the differences in color, hue and form which make us who we are.   Our strand of pearls is an iridescent rainbow. . .ephemeral. . .something to be loved and cherished. ~ Liz Guho-Johnson; Age 67; 3 Children; Retired Jr. High Home Economics Teacher 

Section 10 – Growth Mindset ( p.93)

“I wish I’d known about the concept of a “growth mindset” when my own children were young.”

Lately, I have been doing my best to adopt and maintain a “growth mindset,” working towards being flexible, adaptable to change and open to feedback, while encouraging my five grown children to do the same.  I often tell them, “All we can be sure of is that things will be different from what we have imagined.”  The key is being open to experiencing “what is,” and endeavoring to embrace each new challenge with optimism and confidence.

Over 30 years ago, Dr. Carol Dweck and her colleagues coined the terms “Fixed Mindset” and “Growth Mindset,” to describe the underlying beliefs people have about learning and intelligence.  Interestingly, after studying thousands of young people, they found that students who were praised for their effort, as well as educated on the elasticity of the brain and the fact that neuron growth could be increased by actions taken, attained both increased motivation and achievement.  On the other hand, those students who were simply praised for their intelligence and not educated on the elasticity of the human brain, showed an aversion to extending effort and exhibited a strong fear of failure.

I think this idea has resonated so strongly with me, because of my struggles from a young age with mathematics.  Overall, I was a confident and motivated student, except when it came to math.  It was as if I had a shield or barrier up which kept me from understanding the lessons.  I have a distinct memory of my mother telling me not to worry, as girls generally were not good at math.  This thinking created a “fixed mindset” in me, making it difficult to believe I could improve my math skills with continued effort.  I wish I’d known about the concept of a “growth mindset” when my own children were young, as I believe they would have benefitted tremendously, long-term. ~ Lisa Guy; Age 58; 5 Children; Small Business Owner/Community Volunteer 

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“Parents must be proactive and understand we have the power. What we teach our children will affect who they become.”

As Stormy Capalari explains in one of her parenting classes, “Parents must be proactive and understand we have the power. What we teach our children will affect who they become.”  Stormy believes strongly in the importance of giving thought to how we would like to parent our children, prior to having them.  Before having her own children, Stormy spent a great deal of time researching different parenting styles and philosophies.  After extensive reading, researching and soul searching, Stormy and her husband decided to go against the grain, and embrace “Attachment Parenting” – a parenting style which promotes the attachment of parent and infant – not only by maximum parental empathy and responsiveness, but also by continuous bodily closeness and touch. This steady bodily contact releases chemicals in the infant and promotes growth, a feeling of safety, and a positive, secure state of mind.

In today’s world, it is often difficult to speak honestly about our beliefs and choices if they are different from those around us.  Stormy shared that many of her friends have chosen to take a different path in their approach to parenting, however, she is comfortable speaking her mind honestly and moving forward with the path she’s selected. It makes such a positive difference if the friends we choose are willing to allow us to have our own ideas and philosophies while mutually sharing insights, ideas and strategies.  Having an open mind allows us to benefit from the exploration of others. 

As parents, if we can take the initiative early on, our children will undoubtably benefit.  Giving thought to our long-term parenting goals, preferred ways of providing structure, boundaries and guidance to our children, along with a “tool chest” containing the actions which can assist in this process, can prepare us to use personal circumstances as well as the challenging or undesirable behavior our children exhibit, to teach them valuable skills and life lessons!

***

Things are easier when parents can endeavor to develop and maintain a Growth Mindset, and approach each new challenge with a curious and positive perspective. ~Lisa Guy

“This seems to help her awaken in a calm, favorable way. . .”

My wife and I have been struggling with the sleep schedule of our five-year-old daughter.  She suffers from night terrors and is often awake in the middle of the night and then sound asleep when it’s time to wake up for kindergarten. We’ve tried a number of things to remedy the problem.  Just recently I’ve been the one to wake her up in the morning, as she and her mother seem to be developing a tense relationship.  I find one of her favorite songs and enter her room with the music playing quietly from my phone. This seems to help her awaken in a calm, favorable way, and makes for a good beginning to our day. 

I understand that as we and our children grow and evolve, it’s important to be flexible and curious with an innovative attitude and approach towards the many challenges which come our way. ~ Luis Del Rosario; Age 30; 3 Children; Landscaper 

*** 

“People can have two different mindsets. Those with a “fixed mindset” believe that their talents and abilities are carved in stone. Those with a “growth mindset” believe that their talents and abilities can be developed. Fixed mindsets see every encounter as a test of their worthiness. Growth mindsets see the same encounters as opportunities to improve.” ― Daniel H. Pink, Drive

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“The only person who likes change is a wet baby.” ~Don Maruska  

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“Talent thrives when we choose to override our fears and invest our energy into creating an environment where everyone is free to expand.  By living in the realm of possibility, stretching, and making changes in your own life, you are contributing to the creation of a self-organizing revolution that is peer driven and talent supported – a movement to revitalize the world around you by unlocking your talent. ~ Don Maruska, Take Charge of Your Talent

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“…you should try to understand your child’s innate drive to learn, to explore, and then to satisfy his developing brain’s urgent need for sensory stimuli and enjoyable learning experiences.”  ~Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell, The 5 Love Languages of Children, p. 146*

“Emotional Block – the Need to Conform…Everyone has a deep need to conform, to belong to a group.  We conform in our dress, our speech, our activities—and in our thinking.  But being creative means being different, in our thoughts and in our solutions to problems.  While some of us are afraid of new things, it doesn’t have to mean eccentric, or oddball, or anti-social.  It’s simply a willingness to try new things.”p. 25, How to Be More Creative, by David D. Edwards 

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"Most adults do not take feedback well - in fact, many have a physiological response including a tensing of muscles, shallow breathing and elevated heart rate .  We can greatly benefit our children by helping them to accept and even embrace all types of feedback as they master new skills and make their way to adulthood.  Learning to deliver negative feedback in a positive way  and fostering an acceptance of this feedback in our children, will prove beneficial throughout their lives.” ~ Beth Wonson, Consultant