additional stories

When we really stop and think about our reason for being, and how we would like our life and family to evolve, it helps us to live more consciously.  What do we wish and dream for our children? How can we help them to find purpose and joy in their lives, and how can we find the same in ours? 

A friend's daughter (a psychologist) spends time each month searching for inspirational quotes which align with her hopes and dreams.  She handwrites and places them on her refrigerator, where she can be reminded and inspired daily.  ~Lisa Guy

*** 

“Do not ask your children to strive for extraordinary lives.  Such striving may seem admirable, but it is the way of foolishness.  Help them instead to find the wonder and marvel of an ordinary life.  Show them the joy of tasting tomatoes, apples and pears. Show them how to cry when pets and people die.  Show them the infinite pleasure in the touch of a hand.  And make the ordinary come alive for them.  The extraordinary will take care of itself.” ~William Martin, The Parent’s Tao Te Ching:  Ancient Advice for Modern Parents

Section 1 – Holidays and Rituals (p. 97)

“Creating new rituals to honor our lost son during the holidays has helped as well.”

There are tragedies in life which happen and are completely outside of our control.  As parents, we can choose to do our best to move forward in a constructive way, guiding our children through the pain and helping them to move towards their future while at the same time, making sense of the past. 

Our three children were 13, 10 and 6 when our youngest son was diagnosed at 3 months with a brain stem tumor.  It was a long, painful process, filled with many heartaches and ultimately resulted in his passing at 3 ½ years of age.  During the time that he was sick, I was unable to be mentally (and often physically) there for my other children.  As often as possible, I asked them to write down one great thing that had happened each day, so I could have a sense of what was going on in their lives.  I also wanted them to be able to look back and remember good things from that time, as often during tragedy, grief takes away all other memories.

As my children have grown, I’ve continued to encourage them to reminisce with each other and their friends, about that time that their little brother was sick.  It helps to remember the normal, and even mundane parts of life.  Working with therapists has also been a big part of the healing process for our family, and creating new rituals to honor our lost son during the holidays has helped as well.  Each Christmas we put out little Jack’s stocking and write a letter to him. . .honoring his life, his place in our family, and the special memories we have of him.  In this way, our love and our grief are allowed an outlet, and we can continue moving forward in our lives, knowing Jack was, and still a vibrant part of our family. ~Bridget Ready, Mother of 4

***

The holidays are a time to gather with family and friends, carrying on past traditions and creating some new ones of your own. Moving the focus away from material gifts and more toward gratitude and connection can help to make the time spent with loved ones that much more precious. Being sensitive to those who are alone - whether they have lost loved ones or are far from family -  and extending an invitation to join your celebration, can be a wonderful gift.  ~Lisa Guy

Section 2 – Morals and Values (p. 99)

“I have a theory about the difficulties we are currently experiencing in our country:  Our educational system (K-12) is no longer teaching our youth to be contributing citizens.”  ~Nina Truch, Communications Professor at Cal Poly San Luis Obispo, Mother of two

***

“We have allowed the entertainment industry to raise our children. . .”

Reflecting back on my childhood I realize my generation was, as a whole, a bit on the lackadaisical side. Born in 1959, I had two younger sisters and a mother and father who loved us and taught us the importance of good manners, hard work, and being contributing citizens. Sadly, many other African Americans during that time romanticized and looked up to pimps and professional athletes, believing that money was the end-all, and it didn’t really matter how you came to have it.     

I am grateful for my upbringing, and believe it is the responsibility of parents to instill good morals and values in their children from an early age. I am fortunate to own a successful building maintenance company, and I give credit to my parents, who taught me to treat others well, take pride in what I do, and recognize those who have a strong work ethic and can be trusted.

We have allowed the entertainment industry to raise our children, and it’s time we take back that charge and show our children what really matters in life. ~Bill Bowens; Age 62; 4 Children; 3 Grandchildren; 3 Great Grandchildren; Past Navy Officer; Current Building Maintenance Business Owner    

*** 

“Never too late to work on values such as honesty, integrity and compassion.”

Strong morals and values are the building blocks of a healthy society.  Not only do they play an essential role in forming stable communities, but they are also one of the greatest gifts we can give our children.  Our own moral code or blueprint has been developing our entire lives, passed on from our parents, and their parents before them.  The experiences we’ve had, along with socialization from our families, schools, religious organizations and society at large, have shaped us into the people we are today. It is never too late to work on values such as honesty, integrity and compassion.  

The most effective way to teach our children, is to demonstrate critical concepts by incorporating them into our daily lives.  As a general rule, young people do not respond well to lecturing, but closely watch what we do and how we treat others.  Listening to our children, speaking to them in a quiet, respectful voice, and talking to them during meals, after story time or at bedtime, usually finds them receptive and ready to listen and learn.

As our children grow, we can encourage them to be critical thinkers, allowing them to communicate and express their beliefs.  Literature and films provide a wonderful opportunity to develop questions and discussion, as well as encourage the child to think about and formulate their own solutions.  What do they think about how the fictional characters behaved?  Did the character in the story do the right thing?  Why or why not?  Is there a better ending to the story?  Were any of the characters someone they would like to have as a friend?  Why or why not? What did the characters do to make them want (or not want) to have them as friends?  

Teaching our children to look outside themselves to see their place in the world, recognize the importance of caring for the environment, and living in harmony with, while respecting the differences in others, are worthy goals, and ones that we could all aspire to achieve.  ~ Leslie Rotstein; Age 80; 3 children, 7 grandchildren, 3 great-grandchildren, past Teacher/Business Owner/Mentor/Current Nonprofit Director

*** 

“Requests do not demand.  It is difficult for children to feel good about expressing appreciation when they are commanded to do so.  It is the difference between ‘Say thank you to your father,’ or ‘Would you say thank you to your father?’  Making requests is more soothing, forestalls anger, and helps us be positive and pleasant.” ~Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell, The 5 Love languages of Children

*** 

“The greatest gift you ever give is your honest self.” ~ Mr. Rogers

***       

 “’That’s stealing,’ she said in a quiet, motherly voice.  ‘We don’t do that.’”

Located in a town in Iowa in the 1940’s, my family included three children, spaced roughly three years apart, along with our mother and father.  At six, I was known as “Sis,” sandwiched in between two brothers.  My “big” brother commanded a great deal of respect from both my little brother and me because, well, we figured he was bigger and knew more about things than we did.  If he had an idea or suggestion, we listened.  So, when he said we should go downtown with him to learn how to steal, we did. Our big brother always liked to share when he acquired new knowledge, and he had learned something from a boy down the street and around the corner – a boy no one in the rest of our family had ever met. 

One fine afternoon, the three of us kids headed downtown to Kresge’s 5 and 10 (that’s five and ten cents), a journey of about six blocks.  In those days, the “dime stores” presented many of their wares in open trays, each filled with about 100 identical items irresistible to small children.  Packaging was a thing of the future.  We entered the store, unaware of how suspicious we probably looked, and stopped where a variety of trays were within reach.  I didn’t see anything of interest, until my eyes fell on an assortment of very small, pink, naked (without details of course) rubber babies, about an inch long.  I reached out, grabbed one and quickly shoved it in my pocket, not noticing if anyone was looking, or what my brothers had taken.  We exited the store with no problems.  In my case, I had acquired a shadow of doubt along with the tiny rubber baby.

Back home, I didn’t know what to do with it.  It was too small to play with or even give a name to.  Eventually I placed it in the shadows of a cupboard in my bedroom, and very rarely took it out to look at after that.  One day, my mother and I were in my room, and she happened to see the rubber baby in my cupboard.  “What’s that?”  I told her the story of my adventure with my brothers. 

“That’s stealing,” she said in a quiet, motherly voice.  “We don’t do that.”

Those words were enough for me, for I adored her.  Her truth was my truth.  I did no more stealing, but the pink rubber baby never left my memory.  Along with the shadow, it conveyed the fact that I was no longer innocent – and that information was final.  As for my big brother, his friendship with the boy around the corner came to a halt with the news that the boy had advanced himself to the level of stealing expensive fountain pens, been caught, and sent off to “reform school.” I never really wanted to know what that meant. ~Mary Pellegrino; Age 80, 1 Child; Musician/Writer/Editor

***

“It’s not the honors and the prizes and the fancy outsides of life which ultimately nourish our souls.  It’s the knowing that we can be trusted, that we never have to fear the truth, that the bedrock of our very being is good stuff.”  ~Mr. Rogers

Section 3 – Childcare Considerations (p. 101)

Our children are relying on us to keep them safe, and it’s important for us to do our research when searching for an optimum childcare provider/environment which aligns with our goals, values, and overall plan for parenting and mentorship. 

Here are some helpful guidelines to get you started in your search for the right childcare provider:

1.  Begin looking at childcare providers at least two months before you plan to return to work.  Remember to think outside the box – brainstorm with your partner, parents (grandparents), extended family and friends to see if you can come up with a childcare schedule and arrangement which accommodates you and your new little one.

2.  If necessary, ask around for childcare referrals – your pediatrician, other parents (including those in your birthing and parenting classes), friends and neighbors.

3.  Interview childcare providers over the phone initially, and then visit the facility in person if your phone interview goes well.

4.  Be sure to check references and speak to current and former families of each specific childcare provider.

5.  Drop by unannounced for a visit. If the center doesn’t allow for drop-in visits, cross them off your list.

6.  Before leaving your child with a caretaker, make several unannounced visits, and understand that it is the parents’ reaction to the caretaker that lets the child know whether this is a good place.  It is not unusual for children to cry when left with someone new.  As children grow older, it is important to tell them what time they will be picked up, and by whom.

7.  Ask about accreditation – licensing is the minimum requirement for daycares, and nationally accredited childcare centers go above and beyond.

Things to consider when looking at potential daycare or childcare provider situations:

1.  Health and safety practices, especially at nap time.  Ask about safe sleep practices (type of crib/mattress provided and items allowed in with baby), and whether the provider honors the baby’s own schedule or is rigid in their timing of naps. Are there appropriate safety doors/gates/fencing, and floors free from small toys and other dangerous objects?

2.  Curriculum and flexible schedule. This idea may seem strange to some, but early infancy is one of the best times for learning, and teachers/daycare providers can help boost your baby’s brain development by building connection to their environment and those caring for them.

3.  A clean and tidy childcare space.  With the addition of your new little one, your home may not be as clean as you would like, but your daycare should always be clean and tidy.  A “no shoes” policy is advisable, to ensure relatively germ-free environment when it comes time to learn to crawl.  The freedom to explore in a safe space free of small objects which can be put into little mouths, is essential.

4.  Teachers that you can connect with, who interact in a kind, calm and loving way with the children.  Perhaps the most important factor of all is finding a place with people you can trust, share and communicate well with, who show a genuine interest in the wellbeing of your child. 

5.  Cost of care and schedule.  Does the cost of the provider work within your budget, and does the schedule align with your needs? 

6.  Ratio of children to adults. Will the childcare provider be stretched too thin, or have the necessary time to properly care for your child?

7.  How is feeding handled?  Will the provider carry out your dietary plan and feed your baby according to instructions?  Note:  baby bottles should never be propped. 

8.  Policy on Immunizations and health requirements for caregivers.  Make sure the provider’s policy on immunizations is aligned with your own.  

9.  How are sick children handled? The provider should have clear-cut guidelines which are strictly adhered to.  

10.  Childcare philosophy.  Are parents welcome to drop in and get to know the kids and teachers?  (Note:  Some childcare providers may request a phone call first.)  Do the children and staff appear happy and positive?  Do the childcare providers speak in soft, respectful voices, sing and read to the children? Does it appear to be a stimulating learning environment?  Are children separated by age groups?  Is it a safe environment where all children are treated well and inspired to thrive?  Are your family’s priorities and beliefs aligned with those of the childcare provider’s?

Section 4 – Inclusivity and Collaboration (p. 103)

“With the proper guidance, children can learn not only to respect, but also to celebrate their differences.”

After working as a Second Vice Principal for 7 years in our school district, experiencing virtually every age group, I was ready to put all the things I had learned into practice.  I wanted to be the principal of the school with the greatest diversity, and three years ago I got my wish.  The dismay I had felt at the high school level, working with troubled students, fueled my desire to instill a sense of engagement and self-worth, address problems early on, and give at-risk youth a chance at finding a better future. 

I knew that building a strong school community was essential and began by taking steps to pull everyone together – teachers, staff, parents and students! All ideas were welcome, and soon we had established our school slogan, “Together We Shine!”  In addition, we began a monthly “Unity Award” for one student across all grade levels (chosen each month by the teachers and staff), and the “100 Mile Club” – a running group encouraging fitness and healthy movement!

We reached out to other schools in our community and shared ideas.  From this collaboration came “Be Unique Week,” which focuses on and celebrates diversity.  We are teaching students about what it’s like to live with various challenges (such as dyslexia and other disabilities) by acting out simulations and promoting understanding and acceptance of our differences. Additionally, because 13 different languages are spoken at our school, we are slowly learning how to say our slogan in each of them. 

Providing equitable opportunities for students has been an important focus of mine as well.  The cost prohibitive nature of after-school sports led us to collaborate with our local high school to create our “After School Sports Program.” High school senior athletes come to our elementary school during 5th period to coach our 3rd – 6th graders.  Mondays are devoted to planning, scheduling and laying out drills, and the rest of the week is spent engaging in basketball, baseball or soccer, depending on the season.  It’s a win/win situation for everyone.  The seniors gain a new respect for their P.E. teachers and coaches and learn to be effective mentors.  The younger students benefit from the physical activity, as well as the relationships they form with the older students who become positive role models and anchors.  This relationship provides a consistent presence in their lives. 

Social/emotional learning is paramount to our students, and we focus on conflict resolution, peer relationships and how to treat others.  Our teachers and staff receive training on how to address trauma, and we have established a special “Reset Room,” which helps students to become familiar with and self-regulate their emotions.  Opportunities for movement, music, tactile stimulation and calming techniques are all available, and students assess their emotions upon entering and exiting the room. 

The culture of our school is one of inclusivity and collaboration.  With the proper guidance, children can learn not only to respect, but to celebrate their differences.  Our teachers, staff and parents are unified as well, and there is a sense of pride, connection and empowerment among our families.  Problems still arise on occasion, but we tackle them as a team and this mindset makes anything possible. ~ Aaron Black; Age 44; 2 Children; Elementary School Principal 

***

“…we all have the capacity to transcend self-interest and become simply a part of a whole.  It’s not just a capacity; it’s the portal to many of life’s most cherished experiences.” ~Ben Sasse, Them

***

“There is so much to be learned from team activities, and the way we guide our children early on can make a tremendous difference throughout the remainder of their lives.”

My son, Colby is 10 years old and loves baseball. Several months ago, we signed him up for a club team about an hour from our house – a team with serious players and serious coaches.  My husband was willing to make the commitment to drive Colby to practice after school, four days per week, and we were all hopeful for a good experience.  Unfortunately, things were a bit rough in the beginning.

Baseball is a team sport, and Colby was looking forward to being a part of this new team. He (as well as my husband and I) were met with indifference, dismissal, and even hostility by some of the players and their parents. In addition to a steep financial cost associated with the team, there was a great deal of competition for positions and playing time.  I reached out to one of the moms who lived on the way to the practice field and offered to pick up her son if she ever needed me to.  Her response (as she frowned at me) was, “Like that’s ever going to happen.”

It’s one thing to be shunned by another adult, but when the same happens to your child, it’s even more difficult.  After a particularly exciting tournament win one weekend, Colby learned that one of his teammates was having a birthday party.  He entered the dugout and approached the boy, asking “What’s your address, so I can come to your party?” The response he got was, “What makes you think you’re invited?” Many children would be devasted by this treatment, and Colby was not happy, but he continued to maintain a good attitude, trying his hardest when he was allowed to play, and treating his teammates as if they were all important and connected.

As a parent, it was hard to stand by and witness the dysfunction of this “team”, but I knew it was important to Colby, and believed he would be able to make his own way.  I was disappointed that the coaches didn’t take a more active role in guiding the boys and modeling good sportsmanship and team camaraderie.  There is so much to be learned from team activities, and the way we guide our children early on can make a tremendous difference throughout the remainder of their lives!  Thankfully, Colby’s love of baseball and baseline positive, inclusive personality, has allowed him to stick with the team and now he is officially one of them, just having earned the honor of “MVP.” I even think his presence is having a positive effect on the culture of the team, as well as his teammates.  ~ Kari Gomes; Age 37; 2 Children; University Police Sergeant 

Section 5 – Intrinsic Motivation and Finding Purpose (p. 105)

 “If anything, my intrinsic motivation has been to seek the truth about things.” 

I never could seem to answer, even for myself, what my life goals are or were.  At various times, of course, I thought about what I wanted to be (Medical Technologist, H.S. English Teacher, Special Ed Teacher, wife and mother), but I didn’t set goals and pursue them single mindedly…just kind of pursued knowledge, broad experiences through travel and friendships, contributions to areas of social justice that pricked my conscience, while trying to figure out how best to live a faith-filled life. ~Rita Mathern; Age 77; 4 Children; 3 Grandchildren; Past English Teacher; Current, Mentor/Volunteer

***

"Life offers us the beautiful opportunity to embrace each day fully and make the most of the time we have here on earth.   By nature, we are social creatures, trying to find our place within the vast network of the world. Problems arise when we feel isolated, disconnected and pressured or unworthy of the expectations others may put upon us. Learning to recognize what’s really important in life, the gifts we carry within ourselves, and the good we can do by sharing those gifts, brings us purpose, gratification and peace.”  ~ Don Maruska, Take Charge of Your Talent

***  

“I let my curiosity, self-confidence and determination lead me through this challenging    process. . ."

I grew up believing that I could do anything I put my mind to – this is something my mother told me regularly from a young age.  Starting in first grade, I participated in just about every sport available, and ended up loving basketball, which I played and then coached for the last part of high school and early part of college.  I excelled in school but resented the amount of busywork and the time it wasted.  College was never something I was interested in, but I started at my parents’ urging. 

Recognizing that relationships are important, as well as learning from those who have succeeded in their lives, I met with a number of professionals in my community and doors began to open.  After attaining my AA degree from Cuesta College in Communications, I decided to move away from my small town of San Luis Obispo, and took an internship at the Capitol in Washington D.C. 

This experience opened my world and helped to build my confidence.  When I returned home, I reached out to a former acquaintance and marketing business owner and my adventures began in earnest.  Together, we opened a privately funded Daycare Center, and then a gourmet Ice Cream Shoppe.  Learning along the way, I let my curiosity, self-confidence and determination lead me through this challenging process.  At the age of 22, I opened a Coffee Shop, and then shifted my efforts to starting my own Real Estate Business. 

I believe we all have different brains, and different ways of looking at the world, including the need to separate work from home life, and the amount of energy we want to put into the things we do. I have always been driven to go above and beyond, and pride myself in answering the phone calls of my clients within minutes – whether the calls come in at 5 am or 9 pm!  

I’ve learned some valuable things along my journey so far and they include the importance of:  Being willing to take risks and potentially fail; surrounding oneself with good people with the strengths needed to complete a project; treating people well – with good communication, honesty and respect; and playing the ‘long game’ – making decisions which are beneficial long term (not looking for short-term gain at the expense of compromising your values).  

I’ve taken up the habit of doing a 5-minute journal each morning, listing the three things I’m grateful for, something I’d like to see happen each day, and an affirmation which helps me move towards this goal.  I believe we should all aspire to be humble enough to know when we need to ask for help, and smart enough to realize we need good people on our team. ~Walker Blu Sotello; Age 24; Entrepreneur/Real Estate Business Owner

***

“We have three innate psychological needs—competence, autonomy, and relatedness. When those needs are satisfied, we’re motivated, productive, and happy.” ~ Daniel H. Pink, Drive

Section 6 – Responsibility, work Ethic and Self-Sufficiency (p. 107)

“I could always tell which of my students had chores and responsibilities at home. . . these were the children who applied themselves and did well in school.  Those who didn’t were what we teachers called ‘seat warmers.’” ~ Lynn Stafford, Mother of 3, Retired Teacher

***

“The key to fostering responsibility in our children is to make sure they are engaged in life!” ~ Marie McRee

***

"Nothing can take away initiative as fast as when we redo something that they did.” ~ Jean K. Miller/ Marianne White Dunlap, The Power of Conscious Parenting

***

“As the Coordinator of a Bio Med program for a leading engineering university, I work to empower students who come to me for help. Rather than doing the work for them, I outline the steps they must take to accomplish their goals, helping them learn to help themselves.  Those students who have experience doing this in their younger years have increased confidence in their abilities and a definite advantage by the time they enter college!”  ~Sabrina Jenkins     

***

(Complete Story)

"It's Important for our children to learn the value of money,"

For years, my husband and I have been working with our boys to take personal responsibility for various chores around the house, and just recently, Tristan, our oldest (now 13) is taking the initiative and doing chores on his own.  He is responsible for caring for our chickens - a job which is quite detailed and includes filling the feeder each day, as well as taking out scraps and making sure their water is full, clean and working, retrieving the eggs and keeping the coop and chicken yard clean, with a big cleaning every month or two.

Tristan’s other jobs include emptying a portion of the dishwasher each day, tidying his bedroom, doing his laundry (however I do often help him fold), cleaning his bathroom, watering a section of outdoor plants, picking up dog poop, and periodically vacuuming all the area rugs (5 large and 6 small).  I’ve noticed Tristan beginning to ask if he can assist with other chores around the house, in addition to simply jumping in and helping his two younger brothers and my husband and me when needed.   

This process has been a long time coming.  In the beginning, I spent some time researching age-appropriate jobs for kids, and then my husband and I started experimenting.  We tried giving each of our boys jobs we thought they were capable of doing and developed an understanding of their abilities, which change with time. We had certain “expected” tasks such as making the bed, brushing their teeth, tidying their rooms/messes they made, and other chores which warranted a small weekly allowance. However, the completion of the chores was not an option. 

My husband and I believe that it’s important for our children to learn the value of money, and as such, they each receive a minimum weekly amount based on their age.  This amount is increased by .25 cents each birthday.  Additionally, they receive .25 cents for each chore they complete, except those considered “expected.”  The chores are tracked by having them put a checkmark on a “Task Board” in their color for each specific chore completed on that day.  Some chores are worth a little more and I have them put an extra checkmark or two for that chore.  Checkmarks are tallied every Sunday.  

I have found that giving the boys a “heads up” in the morning about what is expected of them each day, as well as having certain chores tied to specific days of the week, helps with this process.  Additionally, they are not allowed to play video games or watch TV until their chores are done, and generally not until we’ve had our lunch. I do give them a little time in the morning to play video games, but once breakfast is on the table, screens are off.  Screen time is usually a pretty good motivator.

There are times when our boys are less than eager to complete their chores, but they’ve come to understand that these things will continue to be asked of them and the chores will not go away until they have been completed.  Consistency continued expectations and encouragement are a must on our part.  We’ll get a sigh from Tristan at times, but I figure that’s not too bad.  Our two younger boys tend to complain more, but I explain to them that they don’t get to do anything until their chores are done, and this is usually enough to motivate them.  There have been times when they’ve had to sit in timeout until they made the decision to cooperate, but this doesn’t happen too often anymore.  

One thing I’ve found to be very helpful is to divide each chore into manageable segments of time and energy spent.  Sending the boys to clean their rooms can be daunting but asking them to go in and pick up 50 items is a more tangible goal and one they are more motivated to complete.  I have found that using buckets is also helpful – they provide an easily accessible place to put those things being picked up from the floor! 

As parents, I think it’s important to understand that self-motivation generally doesn’t happen overnight. It takes a certain amount of discipline and perseverance on the part of the parents, but there is no doubt that when we give our children jobs and projects and show our confidence in their abilities to follow through and complete them, long term benefits materialize which will help them tremendously, later on in life! ~Margaux O’Quest; Age 45; 3 Children; Former Educator/Current Community Volunteer  

***

“It’s important to talk about the future with our kids. . .plan and dream . . .help them to begin thinking about what they might want to do with their lives when they grow up!”   ~Lynn Stafford

*** 

“Somewhere along the way our roles shifted, and I became the responsible one.”

I’ve had a number of challenges throughout my life so far, but now I am working on looking at things in the right way. I believe in life, it is really all about our perspective. Everything I’ve gone through has made me the person I am today, and those experiences have opened a special place within me. 

I was two and my sister was six when our parents separated. My mother had a drinking problem and was in and out of rehab for four years. During the time she was gone, my sister and I bounced around from one family member to the next, sometimes with my dad, but often he was working or gone. My mom returned home for good, during my 6th year, and my sister and I split our time between parents, moving from one house to the next each week.

I had a bit of a problem with attachment, not wanting my parents to leave my side. By the time I was 10, my sister was frequently off with her friends, and I became my mom‘s “significant other. “She insisted I lay down with her for frequent naps, as well as sleep with her at night. Somewhere along the way, our roles shifted, and I became the responsible one.

Probably the biggest jolt of responsibility and self-sufficiency for me came during that time, when I was able to convince my mom to get off the couch and move into bed, where I tucked her in for the night. She had gotten in the habit of taking sleeping pills in the evening and would fall asleep on the couch while watching TV. She was often eating, and I was always careful to check for food in her mouth to prevent her from choking.

I am not a mother yet myself, but I think a lot about the kind of experience I would want my child to have growing up. I know it would be one with a strong sense of safety and security. It is so important for children to believe they are loved and well cared for. For years I have considered the possibility of becoming an elementary school teacher. I believe my childhood experiences have helped me to develop a heightened sense of compassion for and understanding of young people, and it would be so gratifying to be in the position of positively impacting many young lives. ~ Anonymous Female 

*** 

“Work gives people something welfare never can.  It’s a sense of self-worth and mastery, the feeling that we are in control of our lives.”  Them, by Ben Sasse, p. 65

 ***

Strategy for Building Skills in Children:

o  First we do it for you

o  Then we do it with you

o  Then we watch you do it

o  Then you do it completely independently

~Stacy Ashlund

***

“Watching my single mother struggle to take care of my sister, me and her brother with Down syndrome, I knew from an early age that I wanted to be able to take care of myself.  Becoming a lawyer was my way out, and the desire to be self-sufficient was my driving force.” ~Shanti Brien

Section 7 – Fostering Curiosity, Imagination, Creativity and Passion (p.109)

Parents and teachers can help to foster curiosity, imagination, creativity and passion in young people in the following ways:  Encourage a positive, flexible mindset which leads children open to new experiences;  provide quiet and relaxing time along with sensitivity and awareness and a sense of psychological safety; and suspend judgement and avoid external evaluation and criticism.

*** 

“Have you ever seen a six-month-old or a three-year-old who’s not curious and self-directed? I haven’t. That’s how we are, out of the box.” ~ Daniel H. Pink, Drive

 ***

“For the most part, our behavior repertoires are determined by our attitude toward ourselves.  If a particular skill or talent doesn’t fit our self-image, we don’t use that talent well.  In so doing we divorce ourselves from some of our inherent natural abilities.  For example, creativity can be blocked by thinking I can’t.” ~ David D. Edwards, How to Be More Creative, p. 41

*** 

“To be more creative, learn to expand your problem-solving repertoire. And be sure to exploit to their fullest the natural abilities you already possess.  Be prepared to change your self-image if necessary to unblock some of your hidden talents.  For example, does your current self-image allow you to be more creative?” ~ David D. Edwards, How to be More Creative

*** 

“Imagine your mind is a radio with multiple wavelengths.  To be creative, you need to tune into your creative channel.  Intuition can be an important tool to greater creativity. Begin to trust your instincts and your hunches.  Often you know more than you think you know.  Tuning in also means becoming aware of your creative rhythms.  Each of us have certain times of the day (and if you believe in biorhythms, times of the month) when our minds are sharp and resourceful.  At other times all the effort in the world may not produce the creative ideas we’re searching for…become sensitive to your inner rhythms and when your creative energy is on full power, make the most of it.” ~ David D. Edwards, How to Be More Creative, p. 63

Section 8 – Hope (p. 111)

(Complete passage)

In his book entitled, How Great Decisions Get Made, Don Maruska talks about the teachings of an Episcopal priest and modern-day spiritual guide named Art Stevens.  Don attended one of Art’s workshops, learned about the importance of hope, and the difference between hopes and expectations.  As Don said, “…I had to stop and look inside myself, rather than concentrate on all that was going on around me.  When I gave myself that time, I realized that my hopes involved not only me but also my family.  So my wife and I developed a set of hopes together.  These hopes included aspirations such as being in balance with ourselves, contributing to and supporting a positive spirit of community, sustaining financial flexibility, being healthy and happy, finding peace in what we feel called to do, and living abundantly amid uncertainty.” 

After outlining their shared hopes to Art, he said, “Congratulations. Articulating your Hopes is the first step to living them.”  Don and his wife tried the process as outlined by Art and as Don said in his book, “Sooner than either of us expected, we resolved long-standing conflicts and settled our differences.  Best of all, we improved our relationship, which continues to thrive.”            

***

“Each of us has the power to live our lives the way we want to, if only we can hold on to our hope for the future.”

Born in a tenement building outside of Chicago, my life had a pretty rough start.  My parents met in a mental institution, where my mother was being treated for bipolar disorder and depression, and my father, for some type of brain trauma (never made known to me).  My mother, father, two brothers (one a year older, and one two years younger) lived in a small, rundown apartment until my father attempted to suffocate my older brother with a pillow (to stop his crying), and my mom kicked him out of the house.

Child Protective Services decided our mother was not fit to care for us and we were taken to our maternal grandparents, to live with them in their tiny ghetto home.  Our grandparents were quite old and had problems of their own.  We kids ran wild, never having quite enough to eat, receiving very little love, attention, care, or discipline.

My grandfather had a son from a woman he was married to before he met my grandmother, and this son (my uncle) came for a visit from Florida with his girlfriend named Gina.  Gina was a kind soul who had a soft spot for both animals and children.  She saw the way we were living and told my uncle that something had to be done. 

Gina was a successful hairdresser, and although she didn’t have all that much money, she somehow managed convince my grandparents to relocate, and arranged for a small house for us to move to in Florida. Gina lived nearby and continued to do her best to look out for us, but there were things going on that were simply beyond her control.  Our grandmother, it turned out, was a paranoid schizophrenic, and she had a psychotic episode which included believing Jesus was coming, and locking us inside the house for a week, dressing us in strange clothing and keeping us from school.  

Gina tried to adopt us, but by this time she was no longer dating my uncle and was not thought to be able to care sufficiently for three young children.  CPS kept my brothers together but moved me to a separate foster home. I was lonely, felt out of place and uncomfortable, and then eventually was moved to another foster home with my brothers.  So much moving around, feeling unwanted and out of place.

From what I understand, the thinking changed around young children and the foster care system.  The belief was that whenever possible, children should be kept with family.  Studies showed that regardless of the physical state of the household, (including the amount of money the family had), if the parents were making some degree of effort, children did better when they were in the family home.  My brothers and I had been moved repeatedly through the foster care system, going from place to place. . . carrying our trash bags full of clothing and person items - never feeling comfortable or as if we belonged.  

One distinct memory I have is of being shut inside the house of one of my foster families, along with my brothers, our noses pressed up against the kitchen window. The three of us were looking out into the back yard where our foster parents and their two young children were lighting fireworks on the 4th of July.  I’m not sure why we weren’t allowed to participate but can only surmise that they wanted some time alone with their “real” children.

In line with the new perspective on foster care, CPS moved my brothers and me back to live with our mother, who was still in Illinois and living with a man and their new baby girl.  I was a 9-year-old 4th grader by then, and soon had the responsibility of caring for myself, infant half-sister, and two wild brothers, as my mother’s depression was hitting hard, and she often locked herself in the bedroom and refused to come out.  We tried to put on a good show for CPS, filling empty cereal boxes with trash and placing them in the food pantry and collecting cans and bottles for recycling money, but soon they took my brothers and me away again, one final time. We landed at Helen’s house – an awful woman who took in children purely for the money it brought her.  

Thinking back, I realize I’ve always had a feeling of confidence in myself, as well as hope for the future.  At 12, I developed a skin problem which needed treatment, but Helen said it would not be covered as a foster child.  I took the phone book and called every dermatologist listed until I found one who would handle the procedure for free!  At 14, I got a job working from 6:00 am – 12 noon on weekends, as a barista for a little restaurant in town.   Not long afterwards, one of my customers approached me, recognizing my strong work ethic and offering me a job - helping to set up and cater weddings, which I did from 2 – 10 pm.  At 18, I left Helen’s house and never looked back.  

I now work as a Physician’s Assistant for a Dermatology Group in Pismo Beach, CA, and I pride myself in working hard, helping others and paving my own way.  I recognize that we all have challenges in our lives, which must be worked through, and I am grateful for my strength of character and will to survive.  Each of us has the power to live our lives the way we want to, if only we can hold on to our hope for the future. ~Sheryl Miles; Age 30; Dermatology, PA.

Section 9– Given Wings, Where Will You Fly? (p. 113)

“Your children are not your children

They are the sons and daughters of life’s longing for itself

They come through you but not from you

And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts

For they have their own thoughts

You may house their bodies but not their souls

For their should dwell in the house of tomorrow

Which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams

You may strive to be like them 

But seek not to make them like you

For life goes not backward, nor tarries with yesterday.”

~Kahlil Gibran